A Few Pieces of Unsolicited Advice to Young Prince Harry Himmel

By "Uncle" Don Hall

Dear Harry — 

Yeah. I know you were just born and won't be able to read this until you're around 12 years old (the smartphone thing will stunt your need to even try for a while). There's a good chance, by that time, the planet will be snuffing out a lot of the human race, so you will likely be reading this on a piece of slate somewhere in an abandoned building — ignore the talking apes. We created them.

Here's the thing, bub.

I'm old. I mean, way older than I look. I'm older than your grandparents even though I look younger than your dad. Old can mean decrepit and gassy but it can, in the best cases, mean wise. So, below is a stab at the latter for you.

1. Try to leave $100.00 in the balance of your checking account.  You're gonna get hit with some forgotten or made up fee and it's better to plan for the unexpected than to have your checks bounce.
2. If your date doesn't understand your Steinbeck or Lincoln reference, don't have a second date.
3. Take care of your feet and your lower back. You can pretty much get along without most of your body being in top condition, but you ain't going anywhere without feet or the ability to stand.
4. Train yourself to take naps.
5. Trust me one this — everyone is just as fucked up as you. Hiding how fucked up we are is a survival instinct.
6. Don't use so much goddamn Purell.
7. Make the commitment before you make the promise.
8. Smell it before you put it in your mouth.
9. If you only have one thing you are passionate about and talk about and write about, don't get upset when people stop inviting you over for "game night."
10. If someone insults you and you don't know them, it cannot be taken personally. Unless they punch you or something. But that's injury rather than insult. Know the difference.
11. Consciously smile more often. People are automatically nicer when you are smiling. Unless you're a smug bastard like me, then it can be a crap shoot on the nicer angle.
12. Never tell someone else they should smile. In this day and age, that's considered sexual harassment. I didn't just harass you with Tip #11, though.
13. Always make sure you thank your mom and call her every week.
14. Stop taking Instagram pictures of your food. Jesus Christ — just stop it.
15. If someone wears revealing and sexy clothing, they want you to look but not stare or drool or act like they are something you get to have because of the heat of your gaze. And, yes, women and transgender individuals can be hyper-sexualized, gaping and cat-calling assholes, too.
16. In a world where people kidnap girls in their basement, tornadoes level entire cities, and your food is made of chemicals, being a sensitive type is a liability.
17. Life is a constant state of decay. If you aren't actively trying to improve yourself every day, you will, too. Self-improvement includes doing things: reading books, exercising, learning a new language, writing a poem — whatever. You don't improve by sitting on your ass.
18. You have extraordinary parents and you will want to rebel against them in time. Go ahead. They can take it.

Now, go crap in your pants and wail at the taste of blueberries and act like a fucking baby. Cuz you are one. And that's not an insult, just stating facts.