American Shithole #12 — Michael Cohen: Tain't Misbehavin'

By Eric Wilson

Tuesday, April 10 —

Mark Zuckerberg is the luckiest billionaire in the world.

Media coverage of what I naturally assumed to be Zuckerberg’s A.I. surrogate — nervously sipping minuscule driblets of clear liquid from a transparent beaker-like container during his painfully uncomfortable congressional testimony today — was somehow overshadowed by an even larger story developing in New York and on Capitol Hill.

If it weren’t for the FBI raid on the offices and home of the president’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, and the impromptu live television shitting of the Trump’s royal pantaloons — in front of his military brass, no less — robot Zuck would be sucking lemons on every news outlet coast to coast, creeping the hell out of children and adults alike.

He was skewered on late night, but the news media was far too focused on the funeral dirge for citizen Cohen, and the subsequent bricks flying out of the president’s ass, to notice just how nucking futs the Zuck looked on camera today.

So, the Zuck bucks a bit of bad luck. Lucky Zuck. That lucky fuck.

Not so lucky this week, is self-professed fixer for the president, and soon-to-be New York state penitentiary power bottom, Michael Cohen. He fancies himself the Ray Donovan of politics, with his primary (read: only) client of import being our current national embarrassment and reigning powderpuff president, D.J. Trump.

Many thanks to Karen O'brien for the image!

Cohen won’t be fixing anything anytime soon, as he has found himself on the wrong side of the law — this time with the DOJ, the U.S. attorney for the SDNY, a circuit judge and the FBI — all agreeing that it was a really good idea to confiscate all his shit.

It is important to note that acting on a referral from the Mueller investigation, Trump appointees all along the lengthy legal chain of command deemed the material provided by the Mueller team to be so provocative, that they issued an extremely rare “taint team” raid on all of the offices and properties of Michael Cohen.

What is a taint team, you ask?

According to the New York Law Journal, “when the government seizes electronically stored documents by means of a search warrant, it will often seek to set up an internal taint team to try to segregate out materials protected by the attorney-client privilege to avoid later claims that it improperly accessed such documents.”

Why are taint team raids so rare, especially for lawyers?

According to the experts, in regards to the protection of attorney-client privilege, there must be overwhelming evidence that the lawyer in question has committed a crime, likely with his client, including a high probability or near-certainty that evidence for these crimes exists on the subject’s private premises — where there is a high risk for the destruction of that evidence — for a warrant including a taint team to be issued. The number of legal bodies that need to sign off on such an action, would deter all but the most serious and substantial referrals of evidence. So whatever Mueller gave them, it was rock fucking solid.

What does it mean for Cohen?

It means he's fucked sideways, backwards, frontwards, sideways again — fucked in every way possible from every direction. Very few lawyers have been on the receiving end of a multi-property, simultaneous taint team raid by the FBI. The number of those individuals in history not going to prison is zero.

Zero.

Cohen is so fucking fucked, that we are indeed going to find out if he really is the dangerous fixer like the Showtime character he portrays himself to be, or if he is — as Stormy Daniels’ lawyer, Michael Avenatti calls him — a “purse puppy” that is going to “fold like a deck of cards.”

I’m with Avenatti. This guy will be known in the history books as Cohen the Canary.

Not enough people are making jokes about the taint team, by the way. I was expecting more taint humor this week, but all we got were assholes. “More Taint, Less Asshole” is my new motto. I think it would make a fine t-shirt with an inappropriate image of our disaster-in-chief.

It’s been a hard week, and I think we deserve some low-brow taint humor. Too easy? Too sophomoric? Perhaps. Though, not everyone in America knows what taint is, or where that taint be, so we might be missing a real opportunity here, not only for comedy, but national education as well.

I figure, at the very least, April 9th can forever be Tain't Misbehavin' Day.

Thanks for playing, Michael Cohen, I think we’ll be hearing from you again, real soon.

Least lucky billionaire this week? Our Dear Leader. His taint is probably chaffed to the raw at this point. Right now, I imagine the president’s taint looks somewhat like a strip of beef jerky that’s been left out in the rain.

Did you happen to see him on camera with his military advisers, dear reader? His necrotic spasms after finding out about his attorney’s latest colossal fuckup, his arms folded in some sort of insectoid rigor mortis — these are the physical signs of his mental turmoil; the manifestation of his internal death-throes. He knows the jig is almost up.

The underlying behavior hardest for me to understand in the coming years when this is all behind us — this is going be behind us one day people, just hold on — is the support for this man who has in return, destroyed the lives of everyone that has put their trust in him. Trump’s team is decimated, by his own hand. Everyone’s world that he has touched is in ruins. No one in his orbit will escape this black hole presidency.

Except maybe the alien hybrid motherfucker, A.I. Zuck.

What is it with these weirdos and their inability to drink water on camera? Rubio, Trump, and now Zuck? Put the fucking glass to your mouth, take a healthy swig like an adult, swallow, and then put the fucking glass down you fucking pampered troglodytes. It’s not a tiny Ming vase, it’s fucking water! Drink it like a goddamn human being!

 Wednesday, April 11 —

Oh, for fuck’s sake, Zuckerbot is back in front of congress again! How can he possibly survive? Wait, it’s fine — Trump declared war on Russia and Syria by threatening missile attacks this morning. Zuck, you lucky, lucky, fuck.

B.S. Report

I don’t want it to seem like I am fixated on schadenfreude, but when it comes to attacking these kids, I am — so here’s another gem: Jamie Allman, who hosts a nightly news show, as well as a morning radio show, woke up without sponsors or either of his programs on the air, after writing on Twitter that he was "hanging out getting ready," to sexually assault David Hogg with "a hot poker." Welcome to the Shithole, Jamie. Enjoy capitalism’s toxic revenge.

Author’s note:

Dear Universe,

I humbly request that you do not take my father this way. When it is his time, let him die on the water, angling a 20-inch brown, with the sun glistening off his weathered skin. There is poetry in that death, and the man that has given the world so many beautiful words, deserves a little poetry in return.