by Joe Janes

Linda from HR Meets with 2017

for an Exit Interview

 

This morning. 10am. Conference Room B.

 

Recorded on Linda’s iPhone X.

2017: I’m not sure why I need to do an exit interview. I mean, I’m done. 11:59:59 Sunday, I am out the door.

Linda: Well, it’s really more for us than for you. We want to learn from your experience. And make sure we don’t make the same mistakes again.

2017: Awesome.

Linda: Why are you leaving your current position?

2017: Well, you know, I feel like I did everything I could in the amount of time that I had. So… I just felt that as time wore on, I just became less good at dealing with it, you know? I’m really leaving for my own sanity-

Linda: You killed Tom Petty.

2017: See. That’s the thing. I didn’t kill Tom Petty. It happened during my tenure, yes, but I didn’t wake up one morning and go, “Tom Petty. I’m going to kill that guy.” That’s a whole other department that I have nothing to do with.

(Linda makes a note. “Does not take responsibility for actions”.)

Linda: Do you think you were adequately equipped to do your job well?

2017: Frankly, no. 2016 left a huge mess. A huge flaming pile. But I tackled it. I faced it head on. Most of my attention was taken up with trying to avoid World War Four.

Linda: Don’t you mean World War Three?

2017: Do I? Just because we didn’t declare it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Or isn’t happening.

Linda: Interesting.

(Linda makes another note. “Feels many things were out of her control.")

Linda: What was your relationship with your manager like?

2017: Very hands off. Too hands off as far as the actual job. I have no experience dealing with giant rampant dumpster fires. Too hands on when I didn’t want those hands anywhere near me. I stopped going to the office get togethers. Especially if alcohol was involved.

(Linda makes a note. “Confuses friendliness with unwanted sexual advances.”)

Linda: What was the biggest factor that led you to accept this new job?

2017: My health, mostly. This job takes a lot out of you. Look at me. I came in all fresh-faced and now look. I have a gray beard! I got an AARP card sent to me in June. I need something easy going. I think driving an Uber will be a great way to set my own hours and make some cash. Be my own boss.

Linda: What did you like most about your job?

2017: I do like the holidays. They’re fun. There’s the big ones, like Christmas and Fourth of July, and the small dumb ones like Apple Pie Day, which I love. Probably more than Christmas.

Linda: What did you dislike the most about your job?

2017: People would openly complain about me. Every day, to my face, it’s “Now what?” “Now what did he do?” “Now who got shot or raped or subpoenaed?”

Linda: What skills and qualifications do you think we need to look for in your replacement?

2017: Thick skin helps. Clear vision. Not a racist. Absolutely no one with a history of sexual harassment. And no guns. A person of color would be a nice change of pace.

(Linda makes a note. “Snowflake.”)