By David Himmel

• Dating is a fool's errand. People think they have a type. They stick with it and fail and fail and fail. When something might work, or when someone matches up, if they're not their type, they reject it and fail some more. The next time someone you're dating says, "Sorry, you're just not my type," you should respond by saying, "Yeah? Well, you're still single so how's your type working out for you?"

• If sitcoms were more like Cheers and less like Two Broke Girls, America would rank higher on the happiness scale.

• Happiness is fleeting. It's a mood, not a destination. Stop trying to be happy all the time. You're annoying the living goddamn shit out of us.  

• Everyone should be limited to time spent on social media. Whether by minutes or hours, or number of posts or comments, limiting access to the digital soapbox will encourage most people to think before spazzing out about politics, veganism, embarrassing facts about their kids—they may not embarrass you, but they will embarrass your kid if he ever finds out you posted what you posted—and so on. Time away from social media will encourage us to look up and around at our world and absorb it slower, with more thought. I'm not advocating against the Internet, I'm only suggesting we reduce our violent consumption and subsequent abuse of it.

• When you want the house to yourself, run the knife sharpening machine and the Roomba at the same time. If your wife is anything like mine, she'll hate the sounds so much that she'll flee to Target. I discovered this accidentally and while I love my wife, I also love my solitude, and the action of sharpening blades and cleaning floors.

• Get a bidet. Seriously.