By David Himmel

• What does it say about you if you misspell the word ‘retarded?’

• If you’re mad that Patton Oswalt is engaged a little more than a year after his first wife died, you’re a jerk. Simple as that. Who are you to understand one person’s heart and how it heals and what it needs and how it loves? You need to reduce your desire for outrage and leave people alone.

• Birkenstocks aren’t sandals. They’re formal wear for mid-nineties butch lesbians.

• I’m going to get a tattoo on my forearm: “Remember the bag.” Despite having plastic shopping bags stashed away in my home, my office desk, my shoulder bag and the car, I never remember to use them when I know I’m going out to buy stuff. Chicago will get rich on me alone, seven cents at a time, every time.

• I don’t want to change my life, just allow for differences in scale.

• When in Chicago and riding the El, be nice to your CTA rail workers. They’re feeling under-appreciated and may be planning to strike. Who can blame them after 18 months without a contract. Thank them for their efforts. Let them know you’re glad they’re around to get you to your job and home and everywhere in between. At the very least, stop shooting smack and taking a dump in the train cars.