by Joe Janes 

1-800-Flowers Marketing

Executives Emergency Meeting

1-800-Flowers Headquarters

The Sunshine Harmony Conference Room, 10/31/18   9:16am

In Attendance: Tesh, Chris, Jim, Julie

Tesh – Thanks for meeting with me this morning, everyone. As you know, because of the recent tragedy in Pittsburgh over the weekend, our sales received a spike in that region of the country.

Chris – We sold many Healing Tears arrangements.  

Jim – Not as big as Parkland or Orlando or Vegas, but, hey, it was a nice way to finish out October with a bump.  Halloween bouquets are just not a top seller. 

Tesh – That’s what got me thinking. All the flowers that went out were for the deceased. 

Julie – There were a few “Get Well” arrangements that went to wounded people.

Tesh – Oh, sure, and that’s great, but we all know that most people shy away from “Get Well” flowers. “Sorry you’re not feeling well. Here’s something that YOU have to take care of so it doesn’t rot too quickly in front of your frail eyes.” 

Chris – True. Sympathy flowers always go to the widow or the funeral home or a church. They’re easy to pass off onto someone else. “Get Well”…You hope you get well before the whole thing dies and drops its petals. Maybe we should sell sympathy flowers for the sympathy flowers.

(They all laugh.)

Tesh – Let’s have research look into that. Here’s what I was thinking. Let’s say there’s another mass shooting somewhere. We’ve got the dead people covered. Maybe we can beef up sales to the wounded by marketing specifically to them. 

Jim – Sell arrangements that cater to gunshot victims. Ooh, I like that. A pink and red spray! 

Julie – “Sorry you got shot.”

Tesh – Or “Sorry you got shot multiple times”! We can have a special flower representing every entry would. 

Julie – “Their Bullets Did More Damage To My Heart Than They Did To Your Pancreas.”

Tesh – Good one for mothers. 

Chris – This is truly inspired thinking, Tesh. I think we can expand on it. Why stop at victims? People who weren’t shot but were there deserve the comfort of floral arrangements. “I’m So Glad They Missed”.

Jim – “Thank You for Ducking”!

Julie – We can also put together gift baskets full of gourmet ready-to-eat meals and first aid supplies. We can call it the “Just In Case”. For people worried it will happen again.

Tesh – I love that idea so hard I want to lick it. 

Jim - Oh! We do something for people who have been in more that one mass shooting. How far away from that are we? Something like, “I Knew You Were A Chick Magnet, But A Bullet Magnet, Too!” Get it?

Tesh - I don’t think we should move into humor too quickly. Let’s keep a more respectful, somber tone, for now.

Jim - You’re right! I’ll just file that one away for later.

Chris – We have got to get these out before the next shooting.

Tesh - Better put a rush on it. We need these out yesterday.

Chris - I’ll start working on possible arrangements and baskets. Are there any other specialized situations we should consider?

Jim – “Sorry You’re Black? Gay? Jewish? A Student? A Co-Worker? In Public?” 

Julie – I’ve got it. “Sorry Someone Hated You For What You Are. I Love You For Who You Are.”

Chris – Rainbow spray.

Jim – Rainbow spray. 

Tesh – I’m going to cry.