By Joe Janes

(This is a refurbished Minutes from 12/6/17)

Santa’s Workshop All Company Meeting

11/28/18, 10:30am – Santa’s Workshop, North Pole 

In attendance: Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, 20 of Santa’s Elves, henceforth to be referred to as independent contractors

Notes by Mrs. Claus

-       Santa began the meeting by reading a statement. “Beloved Seasonal Helpers –This letter is to inform you that effective immediately Santa’s Workshop, the premises, and all its property, are now the sole ownership of Amazon.com, Inc. We appreciate the hard work you have contributed in building the reputation and business operations of Santa’s Workshop. As a thank you, everyone will be given a $5 Amazon gift card. Vacate the building now. Happy Holidays, Jeff Bezos”

-       Santa explained that the Naughty List was at its highest since 2008. Great for the coal industry. Bad for toy making. If toy makers wished to continue making toys, Amazon would consider buying it at $10 a unit. Muffintop pointed out that a toy could cost $8-$12 to make minus the labor. Santa noted that how an independent contractor, such as an elfin toymaker, budgeted their money was up to them. Freedom.

-       In the meantime, Amazon has arranged for toys to be made in India, where a toy can be mass-produced for 25 cents each. Jigglebutt cried out that they don’t even celebrate Christmas in India. Everyone is Hindu. Santa said that was racist and that kind of talk was not welcome on the North Pole. Christmas is for everyone, regardless of race, creed, color, sexual orientation, or anything else not thought of. Santa said, “Despite the name, anyone ever see a crucifix around here? The only time we made any effort to honor anyone’s religion was when Falafel wanted to pray five times a day. We negotiated him down to two. If God’s not listening to your prayers, he’s not listening the first or fifth time. Besides, if someone was Hindi, maybe they can be more focused on the task of making toys during the yuletide, thus outdoing the competition.”

-       Blubberbottom asked about the reindeer. Santa assured Blubberbottom that the reindeer have already been informed and taken care of.

-        Jellybelly asked if this had anything to do with the women who had accused Santa of stuffing more than their stockings and offering to leave more under their trees in exchange for half-naked backrubs. Santa said, “They are supposed to leave me milk and cookies. If they don’t, I’m not leaving without-” This is where I interrupted and reminded Jellybelly that those women were publicity-seeking liars and whores and that Santa would never do anything like that and if anyone was hurt or offended by anything he said or did, he was sorry they felt hurt or offended.

-        Many elves complained that they have no place to go. Santa suggested they work together and build an igloo and how awesome igloos are and he kind of wishes he lived in an igloo and reminded them of how lucky they are to be independent contractors and have their freedom.  Santa and Mrs. Claus took the proceeds from the sale of Santa’s Workshop and purchased a nice double-wide trailer along a canal is St. Petersburg, Florida, where they will live out their lives.

-        Santa then told the elves that it was time to close up the shop and they needed to leave, but please take 10 pounds of reindeer jerky on your way out compliments of The Clauses. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, etc.

-        The Bumble will now escort you out.