by Joe Janes

Marketing Development Team -

Baby Boomers Booming!

11th Floor, The Starkist Conference Room, Leo Burnett Building

Attendance: Lance, Bob, Saul, Toni

Minutes recorded by the smart whiteboard

Lance: 70% of America’s disposable income is held by those over 60. Most marketing is geared towards young people. Young people that work minimum wage jobs with parents that are more interested in spending on themselves. Look at the exploding cruise ship business. People are no longer taking cruises to see sights. They are taking cruises to see the ships. We must tap into the 54-72 market!

Saul: Are we looking to sell them stuff young kids would buy, like malts and saddle shoes?

Lance: Actually, I think we want to sell them the stuff they are already buying, or have to buy, and make it more exciting. When we sell to young adults, we try to make it sexy. Buy this and people will want to fuck you. Right now, with the over-the-hill demographic, we just tell them, “You pee yourself. Buy this.” 

Bob: You’re right. It’s humiliating. We can totally make it more exciting to buy a box of Depends.

Toni: Who says incontinence can’t be sexy?

Lance: I do, but I’m not in the market for it. Yet. Depends has never had a celebrity spokesperson. We get someone who has aged well, a Helen Mirren-type. British accent, too. 

Bob: (with an attempt at a British accent) “My knickers keep me bum dry until I am ready to slide them off.”

Saul: (also a worse attempt at a British Accent) “What’s under your elastic waistband, mate?” 

Toni: I also see some sexy older Victoria’s Secret models just lying around on chaise lounges behind her. Sales will go through the roof.

Lance: With most of the population being over 54, things that used to be associated with “old people” will now become the normal. We have to anticipate that. The whole country is going to change. Early Bird specials will just be “specials”. 

Toni: Walkers, wheel chairs, and scooters can be for the elderly what skateboards are for the youth. 

Saul: They are already being modified to look hipper. My grandfather’s walker is cherry red with a cup holder, phone charger, and Alexa. 

Bob: We should pitch a self-driving Tesla scooter with a sidecar and cheese-of-the-month plate. 

Toni: Retirement homes will become swanky, too. Smart swanky.

Lance: What other companies can we sell this to?

Bob: I was at my mom’s last weekend and I almost used her Poli-Grip as a toothpaste. 

Saul: That’s the stuff that keeps false teeth in place in your mouth, right?

Bob: Yes, and I accidentally dropped a dab of it on my wiener. I was naked. It was not unpleasant. 

Toni: Poli-Grip: Not Unpleasant. I can see if we can get the art department on that.

Bob: I think we can rebrand it with a dual-purpose. Poli-Grip: Securer of False Teeth and Stiffener of Elderly Boners. 

Lance: That’s genius, Bob.

Saul: If you affix your false teeth to your boner, you can give yourself a blow job. 

Toni: We’ll have to find a way to subtly imply that. “False Teeth. Real Pleasure.”

Lance: Call the art department. This is hot!