By Joe Janes

The Florida Commission on Tourism

The Orange Room, December 19, 2018, 9:30am

In Attendance: Skip, Razor, Misty, Flip, and Tanner

Skip – Well, folks, as you know, it has been a rough year in Florida.

Misty – Sure has. The Parkland shooting and shady election results. Rough.

Flip – I think people realize that mass shootings are just a natural part of freedom.  

Tanner – As are rigged elections.

Skip – They’re right. I’m talking about how we can’t get through a week without making the national news from one of our citizens doing something batshit crazy.

Razor – I’ve just been looking at the news from last few weeks. It’s insane. And this goes on all year round. 

Skip – We must find a way to put a positive spin on this or its going to affect tourism. Most people just go to Disney, stay at Disney, spend all their money at Disney, and then go home.

Razor – Look at this. “Florida Man Tries To Buy McDonald’s Hamburger with Pot.” And he had pink eye. 

Misty - That’s not important.

Tanner – Sure does paint a picture.

Flip – We can spin that. Look. That man is a pioneer. Marijuana is becoming legal in more states. He’s an entrepreneur ahead of the curve while honoring our past filled with explorers trading with Indians. This man should be heralded as a visionary. 

Skip – I like it. Florida: Come Taste the Future.

Misty – Look at this one. A man tried to get an undercover police officer to give him a blowjob in exchange for a hamburger. 

Razor – What kind of burger? In-N-Out?

Tanner – If it’s a good burger that could be worth it. 

Flip – If the officer looked hungry and broke he was being charitable. 

Misty – If she looked hungry for food and he thought she was too proud to take charity…well, that man is a saint. He probably didn’t even want a blowjob.  

Skip – Florida: We Give You It All. Blowjobs included. 

Tanner – Do we have anything not related to fast food?

Flip – “Florida Man Arrested for Shoplifting After Job Interview at Kohl’s”

Misty – I can’t even believe that made the news.

Razor – To me, that just shows spirit. Fortitude. That man was so confident he got the job, he wanted to start right way.

Flip – He wasn’t stealing. He was training himself. Doing product research while testing the store’s security systems. Hero in my book. 

Skip – Florida: Nothing But Heroes.

Tanner – “Lemur Pops Out of Truck on I-4”.

Razor – Was the lemur driving?

Tanner – Doesn’t say?

Skip – Florida: The World’s Largest Drive-Thru Zoo. Next!

Misty – Here’s a story about a woman who faces aggravated assault charges for farting in line at a dollar store and pulling a knife on a guy who complained about it. What’s the plus side of this?

Razor – Well, at least it wasn’t a gun. 

Tanner – That woman was expressing herself. Florida is about expressing yourself. No matter how offensive your opinion smells. 

Skip – Florida: We Don’t Always Use Guns. Okay. I like what we are doing. We can get these out on Twitter and in press releases. Last one. “Florida Woman Arrested for Swinging a Bag of Chihuahuas in a Bar.”

Flip – That’s fucked up.

Skip – Let’s table that one. Good work, everyone. I don’t know why Florida is such a magnet for crazy news stories. Everyone, help yourself to oranges, baby alligators, and Jell-O Shots.

Razor – I’m trying to watch my weight.

Skip – The red ones are made with diet Jell-O and grain alcohol is known to burn calories.