By Eric Wilson

Happy holidays!

It’s Thursday, so that makes this: Pre-Christmas Weekend Holiday Eve’s Eve! Congratulations on almost making it to 2019, stalwart readers! If you’re still here in seven days (and we’re still here in seven days), American Shithole will look back in slack-jawed awe with a review of the highlights and (mostly) lowlights we’ve somehow, miraculously (mostly) survived.

Way to go, scrappers!

Unfortunately, not everyone made it. I know one little girl separated from her parents by Border Patrol that isn’t going to find any of the 2018 Year in the Rear review humorous. Which one, you ask? Well, the dead one, of course — the dead girl.

Happy holidays!

So, what do you have to look forward to in the final American Shithole of 2018? Here’s the short list of a masterpiece in progress:

1. We’re taking a look back at the first 40 A.S. columns and mining them for an easy end-of-year edition! Lucky you!

2. Literate Ape editors (Don Hall and David Himmel) are asked; nay begged to carefully consider what they each feel are American Shithole’s finest moments thus far — but alas, they are both expected to instead select a random column as their favorite, offering a generic approval (in lieu of actual reflection) written in great haste. (Thank you, gentlemen! You’re the best!)

3. A.S. finally answers (3) important questions: “What’s this all about?” “What about the rest of this then?” (and finally) “Well, what’s the fucking point?” Few dare attempt, fewer succeed, fewest… something, something, something. Guaranteed fun.

4. Don Hall hit Las Vegas like a meteor with a beard, and scared the crap out of me with his unnerving super-energy (he’s like the unholy offspring of Charles Bukowski and the Energizer Bunny) — then he sent me nude pictures of himself before leaving town — so, the year-end edition of A.S. is also going to be a teachable moment, where I talk to Don about boundaries. #MeToo. #ICouldSeeWang. #LuckyWifeDana

5. Political highs and lows of 2018 will be accompanied by embarrassing pics; if none can be found, then they will be accompanied by photographs of dogs that I love standing near gifts under a (tiny) Christmas tree.

So… what do you not have to look forward to in the final American Shithole of 2018, right? Stay buckled in, loyal readers, it’s closing in fast.