By Joe Janes

 The Republican State Legislature of Wisconsin

The Ninth Circle of Hell under the state capital building

in Madison, Wisconsin

December 5, 2018  7:00am  

In Attendance: Robin Vos, Republican speaker of the Assembly, and state legislator leadership

Notes taken by an unpaid intern/badger

All - “As Satan beats his wings, he creates a cold wind that continues to freeze the ice surrounding him and the other sinners in the Ninth Circle. The winds he creates are felt throughout the other circles of Hell. In his three mouths, he gnaws on Cheddar, Mozzarella, and Muenster with Fried Cheese Curd teeth. This is also known as The Dairy State.”

Robin- Amen.

All- Amen. 

Robin – Good work, gentlemen and some, I assume, ladies. We stayed up all night and are about ready to vote on legislation that will severely hinder the incoming “one term” democratic governor. We gave Governor Walker a lot of power over the last eight years which we can simply not pass along to some loose cannon with a liberal agenda. He’ll just undo all the “good” we have done. 

Tyler – Not only will we be able to limit his power, we’ll also make it more difficult for him to win re-election. 

Jim – We limited early voting. I think we should also close polling places that are in poorer neighborhoods.

Romaine – Good idea. I think we can take it even further in the name of preventing voter fraud. A weight requirement. If your body-mass index is less than “obesity” you are probably a perpetrator of voter fraud and not from Wisconsin. 

Robin – That’s an excellent amendment, Romaine. We will add that. If you’re not white, pasty, and a little flabby, you’re probably on George Soros’s payroll. 

Samantha – What else can we do to keep the new liberal socialist governor from turning our state into some den of equity?

Jessie – We make sure he has a lot of inconveniences that keep him from doing his job.

Robin – I like how everyone is thinking. We can decree that his bathroom be moved to the basement. Disable the elevators, to, um, conserve energy and save the environment. If he has to travel five flights of stairs every time he has to drain the udder, he’ll never get anything done.  

Samantha – Not sure “udder” works in this scenario-

Tyler – We can also make it the law that he doesn’t have a desk!

Jim – How do we justify that?

Tyler – We must justify it? Well, we can say we used his old desk for firewood to heat the rotunda and there are no allocations for new furniture. We’re saving trees. No way democrats will argue with our new eco-conscious leanings. 

Romaine – They’d come across as hypocrites. What else do they love? Oh! Helping the homeless. We’ll enact a law that makes the governor’s office a homeless shelter. We can fill it with cots and smelly homeless people. 

Samantha – Oh! I love this game! Can we also make it a law that the governor always has to give every homeless person he sees a dollar? 

Jessie – We made a lot of homeless people over the last eight years. He’ll go bankrupt in a month!

Robin – What about education? That’s another thing democrats have a boner for!

Jessie – I got it! The new governor also must “voluntarily” teach a class at the University of Madison. For free. Some required lecture class with a hundred students. No TA. Lots of written homework. Also, super painful to teach.

Tyler – “The Wit and Intellect of Donald J. Trump”.

Jim – Perfect! Try filling up a once-a-week two-hour lecture on that!

Robin – You have all brought me so much joy this morning. We may not be in power by the will of the people, but we’re in power by our will, and that’s what counts. Actions like the ones we are taking today will help put things on pause. In four years, we’ll run on how this governor never got anything done. Put us back in power and we’ll promise all the jobs and stuff Walker promised. They always fall for that.