by Joe Janes

 

White House Valentine’s Day

Emergency Meeting

 

February 14, 2018, 11:00am, The Oval Office

 

Present: President Trump, John Kelly, Kellyanne Conway

 

Trump – I noticed on “Fox & Friends” this morning that it’s Valentine’s Day. I’ve been so busy lately. I got up to page five on that memo from the democrats. I vetoed it because it was so boring. Someone needs to tell the democrats to use more graphs. I like wheels. Wheels with lots of colors. I’ve been so busy, I forgot about Valentine’s Day. I need to get a gift for Invanka.

Conway – Melania.

Trump – I should probably do both.

Kelly – What did you give Melania last year?

Trump – Well, I got real Romeo on her. I woke her up by rubbing my naked body up against her. Took two Viagra. When I was done, I left a few hundred-dollar bills on the pillow. She loved it.

Conway – I’m sure she felt honored to have a man of your stature shower her with your attention.

Kelly – Did you not do the same thing this morning?

Trump – I was going to. I came out of the bathroom after my morning tweet, disrobed and “up” from the pills, and she was not there. She was already out of bed. She must be out getting something special for me for Valentine’s Day.

Kelly – I believe secret service saw her wandering the halls, rubbing her hands, trying to get spots off them.

Trump -And I tell her all the time she has lovely hands.

Conway – How about a nice romantic dinner and flowers?

Trump – Dinner sounds good. Send the flowers to Ivanka. Putin, too. I don't know what they celebrate in Russia. Better cover my bases. Melania and I will have dinner here. 

Kelly – The secret service report says the first lady's favorite entrée is grilled salmon with lemon and garlic.

Trump – Order some KFC and French fries. I’ll give her my coleslaw. She likes to eat healthy. Okay. Good. We’re done.

Conway – Sure you don’t want to give her something else?

Kelly – She has had a rough few weeks.

Trump – Not as rough as me. All these men who work for me being falsely accused of doing horrible things to nasty women. Things that didn’t used to be considered horrible, by the way. A man did what a man had to do to keep his woman in line. Back when America was great!

Conway – How about an extended weekend at Mar Lago?

Trump – Great idea. I can get some golf in. She can do those spa things she likes. It will be a great weekend together.

Kelly – I think she would like that.

Trump - You can go about your day doing White House stuff, John.

Kelly – What about Kellyanne?

Trump -I have two Viagra in my system. I think I have something for her to do.

Conway – On it, Mr. President!

Kelly – Please wait until I am out of the room.