By Joe Janes

The Department of Treasury Emergency Meeting

9/18/2018 9:00am, Secretary of Treasury’s office

In attendance: Steven Mnuchin (Secretary of Treasury), Eli H. Miller (Chief of Staff), Alden Wood (Deputy Chief of Staff), Marshall Billingslea (Assistant Secretary for Terrorist Financing)

Mnuchin – Well, folks, as you know, we have the greatest military in the world. That includes the National Guard and our well-regulated militia of armed citizens. We have troops in Syria, Yemen, Pakistan, Afghanistan…am I missing any?

Eli – Iraq-ish…?

Mnuchin – Yes. Iraq-ish.

Alden – Somalia.

Mnuchin – Right. Somalia. So “on again, off again” with Somalia.

Marshall – Libya.

Mnuchin – We have deployed a lot of troops! Am I right? Good thing we’re keeping America safe and sound from attacks on our soil by anyone who is not us.

Eli– We’re also sending that National Guard to the Mexican border.

Mnuchin – That’s only till the wall is built. Then we’ll send troops to maintain the wall. And Mexico’s paying for all that, anyway.

(They all laugh.)

Alden– This all sounds very expensive.

Mnuchin – It is. The greatest military is also the costliest. That’s why we increased spending on defense. Higher than it has ever been. Keep America strong!

Marshall – But we also cut taxes.

Mnuchin – Riiiiiiight. Which brings me to my next agenda item. President Trump has tasked me with a way to finance the Defense Department and I have a brilliant idea. Two words: War bonds!

Eli -War bonds? Like we did in WW2?

Mnuchin – And people ate that shit up. Give us money! Kill Hitler! Kill japs! Bring our boys back home for Christmas!

Alden – Women and transgendered, too.

Mnuchin – (laughs) Oh. You’re serious. We’ll see what marketing says. But the point is, let’s roll out War Bonds! 

Marshall – You’ll have to refresh my memory. How do they work, again?

Mnuchin – People buy them for $20 each and we buy them back in 10 years at $25 each. 

Eli – We’ll make way more than that in interest.

Mnuchin – That’s the point. We make a shit ton of money to buy bombs and cigarettes. A true example of Yankee ingenuity. 

Alden – It’s a horrible investment.

Mnuchin – Of course, it is. That’s why we sell that it’s the patriotic thing to do. Grab ‘em by the stars and stripes. Support our troops! Let’s all fight! For freedom’s sake!

Eli – Did they call World War Two World War Two while it was going on? Because we could totally call this World War Three. Especially with Russia and North Korea being such assholes. 

Mnuchin – Except Trump likes Putin and Kim. But you're right. We need a face of evil we can use. Like Hitler! Where are Nazis when you need them.

Marshall – Lots of Nazis in my neighborhood.

Mnuchin – Something like “Buy a War Bond every pay day! Keep Bin Laden off our streets!”

Alden – We already killed Bin Laden.

Mnuchin – Did we? Did we really, Larry? It was under Obama’s watch. Maybe he fucked it up. We can bring Bin Laden back if it’s going to make us bank. Get Alex Jones on the phone!