By David Himmel

• Success is by design. And when it comes down to design, some people have terrible taste.

• Former First Lady Barbara Bush is an inspiration when it comes to family. She stood by and supported her husband as he ramped up the War on Drugs and exacerbated systemic disadvantages toward people of color. And she was proud of her bumbling nitwit son as he committed heinous war crimes. If Barbara Bush can do that, then Katie should have no problem always having my back, and no matter what kind of human turd my son ends up becoming, I’ll always be proud of him. Thank you, Mrs. Bush, for being such a role model.

• There are a lot of things I missed doing with girls because I was too busy trying to do things with girls.

• You want a box of shit in your house? Get a cat. You want a cat? Live with a woman.

• Working title for my religious novel idea: “Jews are for Schmucks.”

• I am either the biggest beta male pussy or the world’s greatest diplomat.