By David Himmel

• On the first of the month, I engage in that superstitions tradition of saying “rabbit, rabbit” when I first wake up, before I say anything else. When one does this, one is resigned to have good luck throughout that month. On Sunday, April 1, 2018, the first thing I said was not, “rabbit, rabbit.” I said, “Fuckinggoddammit, Harry! What is your fucking deal? I just changed you. You just ate. Is it gas? Do you have to fart? Jesus fucking Christ, calm down, please!” As a result, I’m gravely concerned over what my luck will be like this month.

• Too often, the hoops you have to jump through to apply for jobs are greater than the hoops you’ll have to jump through once you actually get the job.

• My newborn son lives in a near-constant state of discomfort, uncertainty and impatience. Same here, kiddo.

• Friendly Reminder to Self: Sleeping in is for the weak. If you’re tired, it’s because you’re bored, nothing else. If you’re tired, go for a run and get a Red Bull. Do some push ups. Think of something better to do. Do that thing you’ve been meaning to do. Quit being a weakling.

• Jennifer Garner’s career is interesting because she’s found what works. She is able to successfully shill faith-based films and credit card debt to the exact same audience. Good for her. Who says you have to have talent to make it in Hollywood. All you need is an (arguably) pretty face and the voice of a little girl.

• There are days when I feel I am a 38-year-old colic baby.