By Joe Janes

EPA Emergency Meeting

May 2, 2018 9:45am

Scott Pruitt’s Office Inside His Soundproof Phone Booth

Attendance: Scott Pruitt, administrator, and Ryan Jackson, chief of staff

Scott: Let’s start with an opening prayer...

"Dear Lord, thank you for bestowing upon us the responsibility of being stewards of this blessed planet. We take your many gifts, like coal and oil and natural gas and money, seriously. It would be downright rude to you, Lord, to not cultivate these gifts. We believe you have a plan and trust in you, Lord, to guide us. One nation UNDER GOD! America first! Amen"

…Thank you all for meeting me here in my soundproof phone booth. With all the people leaving the department this week, I thought it would be prudent for us to meet. Let you all know that everything is just fine. 

Ryan: It’s a little crowded in here, Sir.

Scott: Give it another week or two, Ryan. Could get quite roomy.

Ryan: I’m the only one here. If all you wanted to do was assure me-

Scott: We should figure out lunch.

Ryan: I packed my-

Scott: The EPA is paying for it. Let’s go to that steak place. The one with the swords. 

Ryan: The one in the suburbs?

Scott: That’s the one.

Ryan: It’s a little far.

Scott; We’ll take a plane. Be back in no time.

Ryan: That might actually take longer…

Scott: Get us tickets. 22 tickets. You, me and my 20-person security detail that now outnumbers my staff. Use one of those cheap on-line services so people won’t breathe down our necks about spending money. Make sure they’re first class, though.

Ryan: O-kayyy…

Scott: Is there anything pressing on the ol’ agenda? What can we do for the environment today?

Ryan: Well, we could close the windows in the office. You do have the AC cranked up real high.

Scott: Need the windows open so we can enjoy God’s fresh air. We need to keep the AC up because it’s hot as a witch’s tit. Weird for May 2nd, right?

Ryan: I think the phrase is “cold as a witch’s tit”, Sir.

Scott: Ha! Global warming! Get it? Ryan, what about Ol’ Faithful?

Ryan: The geyser, Sir?

Scott: We should tap that.

Ryan: Do…what?

Scott: It generates heat. I’m no scientist, but I think that makes it a source of energy.

Ryan: You fired all our scientists.

Scott: The Bible is the only science book I need. Book a trip for us. We’ll go take a looksie ourselves. Get us some of those four-star Yellowstone cabins. I don’t mind roughing it. What else we got?

Ryan: Well, we do have a contaminated site in Louisiana that still needs cleaning up. It’s a small bayou full of toxic chemicals from a nearby pesticide manufacturer that has been violating several waste disposal laws. 

Scott: This is serious. I’ll handle this myself. First thing we’ll do is lift those laws that the company is breaking so they’re in compliance. We shouldn’t be punishing job providers. We’ll also rewrite what we consider to be “clean” and declare the site safe. Then we’ll let other industry in that area know that the swamp is now their public toilet and go ahead and let their deadly bowels flow. 

Ryan: Not to be a stickler, but we are the Environmental Protection Agency. 

Scott: That’s right. We’re here to protect the manufacturers AND the environment. Nature has her own way to clean up with rain and stuff. We just need to get out of the God’s and the manufacturer’s way.

Ryan: Well, it’s also killing all the fish and animals in the swamp.

Scott: What kind of animals? Anything anyone is eating at the good restaurants?

Ryan: Carp, mostly. Some small birds. Alligators.

Scott: Alligator. I ate alligator once. Tasted like chicken. As long as we have chickens, we don’t need alligators. We still have chickens, right?

Ryan: They are not as yet endangered.

Scott: See, God has a plan. Anything else?

Ryan: Well, Sir, there’s that swamp the president wants us to drain.

Scott: Let me buy you a $40,000 soundproof phone booth for your office and I’ll get in mine and we can have phone calls about it.

Ryan: (inaudible sigh)