By Joe Janes

EPA Water Contaminants Closed Meeting

Tuesday, May 22, 2017   10:00am  

Soundproof Phone Booth in Scott’s Office

In Attendance: Scott Pruitt, Ryan Jackson

Ryan: Mr. Pruitt, thank you for meeting with me.

Pruitt: No press. I had security shove them all out of the building. They weren’t invited.

Ryan: There would also be no room for anyone else inside the soundproof phone booth. 

Pruitt: I’m not taking any questions.

Ryan: I don’t have any questions.

Pruitt: What’s going on here?

Ryan: Well, we really need to discuss the extreme and real danger of water contaminants in most of the United States.

Pruitt: That sounds like work. What are we talking about? Lead? That’s just in Flint. We gave them bottled water, some filters, and raised their water bills. We’re good. Let's order lunch.

Ryan: Well, honestly, we’re not good. It’s still a bad situation in Flint and high levels of lead have been found in many cities, including Chicago, which has millions of people. 

Pruitt: I like Chicago. Go Cubs, right? Did you see that game?

Ryan: Which one? 

Pruitt: I said I’m not taking any questions. We should go to Chicago and check it out ourselves. 

Ryan: I think that’s a good idea-

Pruitt: Tell my security team we’re going to Chi-town. This is very important. People are going to say I’m wasting tax payer money, this is just not true. Get me a penthouse suite at Four Seasons. We will use the hot tub to test the water quality. I’m willing to soak my dainty ass in tainted water for my country. Also, get me box seats for a Cubs game. We should test the beer. Get me reservations at Girl and the Goat. We should test both girls and goats for lead. Woo-hoo, we’re going to Chicago!

Ryan: We should probably alert Mayor Emanual that we’ll be coming to-

Pruitt: You do that. Maybe he can help us out with Cubs tickets. We can talk lead whatever between innings. Anything else?

Ryan: It’s not just Chicago…

Pruitt: Got to start somewhere though, right? Don’t be afraid of doing a little work, Ryan. Now, get out of my soundproof phonebooth.