By Joe Janes

Emergency Meeting of the

Ambien Marketing Department

Sanofi Headquarters/Ambien Division

Conference Room Zzzz

10:00am, after a full 7-8 hours of sleep

In attendance: Winnie, Aurora, Sandra, Rip

Winnie: Well, I am sure you have all heard by now. Roseanne Barr mentioned being on Ambien when she sent out her racist tweet yesterday. This does not put us in a good light. We need to do some quick PR spinning in our favor.

Rip: First rule I learned in marketing school was that any publicity was good publicity.

Aurora: That include being associated with racism?

Sandra: I see Rip’s point. Our hashtag #Ambien is trending. That hasn’t happened in forever. Even when the whole department did the ALS challenge while on Ambien.

Rip: I nearly drowned.

Winnie: Has it been that long since we tried to do anything other than magazine ads?

Aurora: Well, we did do an intense billboard campaign along all the major highways. Then all those semis reported running off the road. 

Sandra: They were taking Ambien while driving? That’s clearly on our warning labels as something not to do. 

Aurora: Maybe we need to add “do not operate heavy racism on Twitter” to our warning label.

Rip: Maybe we need to learn how to turn goddam lemons into lemonade.

Aurora: That’s not a very difficult thing to do. I don’t even need to look up a recipe.

Winnie: Let Rip talk.

Rip: I say we ride this big wave of Ambien buzz in the direction it’s going. Ambien doesn’t “make” you tweet racist things. Ambien allows you to speak your mind. Speak your truth. Be an American.

Winnie: I get what you’re saying. Ambien supports you in exercising your freedom of speech.

Rip: Yes! Taking Ambien is the most patriotic thing you can do while unaware of your actions. 

Aurora: It’s not talking in your sleep, it’s standing up for the flag with your mouth. While lying down.

Sandra: Oh, my God. Do you think Donald Trump uses Ambien?

Aurora: He must take one with every Diet Coke he sucks down.

Winnie: I see a new ad campaign. “Can’t Speak Your Mind?” Try Ambien.”

Sandra: “Illegal immigrants keeping you up at night? Try Ambien.”

Aurora: “Make America Drowsy and Incoherent Again.”

Winnie: That might be too on the nose. 

Aurora: “Make America Well Rested Again.”

Winnie: Keep working on that.

Rip: “Ambien. We Put The ‘AM’ In AMerica.”

Winnie: “Ambien. Get A True Night’s Sleep. It’s Not Racist If It’s True.”

Rip: Needs work.

Winnie: So does Roseanne. 

Rip: I think you just found our celebrity spokesperson!