By Joe Janes

 

The Historic Greatest Really Huge Better Than Obama Deal Of The Century Everyone Says So Where’s My Nobel Peace Prize You’re Welcome Trump/Jong-un Summit

June 12, 2018 9am  Capella Hotel, Singapore   

Sentosa Room III

In attendance: Donald J. Trump, Kim Jong-un, Phil Jong-un the Translator

Trump: Just want to say, it is thrilling to be meeting man-to-man to discuss a great problem all my predecessors were too weak to do anything about. 

Phil the Translator: I have seen the pee tape. It’s very entertaining.

Trump: Oh…wait. Is that you speaking or Kim Jung-On?

Translator: We have both seen it. We play it on loop on one of our government’s premium cable channels. It is a big money maker for us.

Trump: I am horrified, but that feeling is outweighed by my desire to receive a cut of the action. I am going to sue you for illegally using my likeness.

(Phil tells Kim what Trump said. They laugh.)

Translator: Our magnificent leader says you are welcome to add that condition to our agreement.

Trump: Let’s talk about more important things. How do you like being leader of your country? Pretty cool, right? A handsome young man like yourself, bet you have a lot of hot Korean chicks just throwing themselves at you. I get that in my country, but, of course, they’re not all Korean. More variety in America. You can have that, too. Sign our agreement and I'll send a beauty pageant your way. It’s a great way to meet women and watch them in various states of undress. And since it would be international, we can bring back the swimsuit competition. Never should have been cut. Very un-American not to have women parade around in bikinis. 

Phil the Translator: The great and powerful leader says we already have pageants. The winner gets to date him. The losers are sent to work camps. 

Trump: I like your spin on it. We should probably talk business. I’d like to get this wrapped up as soon as possible. Fox & Friends is on and I’m sure they are going to want to talk to me about our historic meeting. Do you watch Fox & Friends? I watch it every morning.

Phil the Translator: The magnificent dictator watches it every night.

Trump: Tell him he should watch it in the morning when it’s live. More fun. The news is fresh. If you ever want to call them, I’ll put in a good word for you. 

Phil the Translator: Thanks.

Trump: So, this deal. I want to make sure it is not another shit show like that Iran deal. That was the worst deal ever made in the history of the planet. Worse than the deal that put Arnold Schwarzenegger in charge of my show. Did you ever watch Celebrity Apprentice? When I was on it? When it was good and the ratings were through the roof?

Phil the Translator: We are familiar. Our friend Dennis Rodman has been on the show twice.

Trump: That’s right. Well, when I’m done being president, if I’m ever being done, I’m going to revive the show. Heck, why wait? I might do it next week. I’m the president. We can do it from the Oval Office. Instead of saying “You’re fired!” I could say “You’re deported!” I could put you and Dennis on the same show. Wouldn’t that be fun? 

Translator: Can we poison our opponents to win?

Trump: Ha! You are very funny, Kim Jong-un. You don’t even have to ask. If poisoning works for you, you do it. What am I going to say? Anyway. That Iran deal that Barack Obama and Crooked Hillary put together. It was a bad deal. This won’t be a bad deal. Are you still up for denuclearization?

Phil the Translator: You betcha.

Trump: Okay. Good enough for me.

Translator: You don’t want to set up any system to verify we are actually denuclearizing?

Trump: Heck no. I trust you. You’re not Iran. I knew it in the first minute of us meeting. You say you denuclearized, I believe you. We’re friends. Best. Deal. Ever.

Phil the Translator: Weren’t you and Justin Trudeau friends?

Trump: Fuck that guy. Pardon my French. And fuck that guy, too.

Phil the Translator: Can we also put an end to your joint military exercises with South Korea. They are antagonizing.

Trump: Couldn’t agree with you more. Why are we spending that much money on something that isn’t even a parade for me or you? Save it for the real war. Anything else?

Phil the Translator: Nope. Sounds good.

Trump: Great. We’ll get that agreement typed up, get it signed, and then I’m out of here. Come visit me at the White House. When we talk to the press, could you not mention that, uh, pee tape?

Phil the Translator: Anything for you, President Trump. Our glorious dictator appreciates you treating him like an equal. You know he has killed people, right? A general who fell asleep during a meeting. Even members of his own family who didn’t agree with him. 

Trump: Great. Maybe he can share his secrets with me.