by Joe Janes

USS Trump 1776-D Emergency Officers Meeting

Stardate: 47634.44

In Attendance: Capt. Trump, Mr. Spence, Mr. Pruitt, Lt. Huckabee,

Ensign Conway, Dr. Carson, Mr. Mattis

CAPT. TRUMP – Okay, people. Our mission is to avoid strange new worlds. To seek out new sources of income. To boldly stay great. What’s our prime directive?

ALL: America first!

CAPT. TRUMP – Now, we don’t have time to go around the table and have you tell me how much you appreciate serving under me, so try to work it into any comments you have. Science Officer Pence has made a disturbing discovery.

MR. PENCE – Thank you, Captain Trump. Can I just say your leadership has been an inspiration to me and one of the reasons I take extra special care with my hygiene? 

CAPT. TRUMP – Thank you, Mikey. What’s the real news?

MR. PENCE - There appears to be a space anomaly off the starboard side of our ship.  It looks to be an intense asteroid belt moving our way. Maybe we shouldn’t have blown up the moon.

CAPT. TRUMP – If I don’t get to put my name on the moon, no one does. Besides, there might have been Klingons hiding there. Trying to escape their tumultuous home planet. Or coal. We might have struck coal.

MR. PRUITT – As Chief Engineer, and an inferior male blessed to be in your shining presence, Captain Trump, I can assure everyone that the asteroid belt is not our fault. It is just natural space weather. The Obama administration had asteroids. There have been asteroids in our solar system for millions of years.

MR. PENCE – Ahem.

MR. PRUITT – I mean thousands of years. 5, 000 years, tops.

MR. PENCE – Nonetheless, we are dangerously close to it and our finely crafted American shields may not withstand it.

CAPT. TRUMP – Communications Officer Huckabee, please send a message back to the USA.

HUCKABEE – Yes, Captain, whose very proximity sets my female loins afire. Should I tell them we need help?

CAPT. TRUMP – Set phasers on dumb. Haven’t you been listening? You should reassure them that we are just fine. There is nothing wrong. And if there was something wrong, it would be the Romulan’s fault. Tell them, thanks to me, our mission is going as planned and space has never been greater. Or safer.

HUCKABEE – Of course, great Captain Trump. I am sorry.

CAPT. TRUMP -  Ensign Conway, Honey. 

ENSIGN CONWAY – Yes, leader of the free world and beyond?

CAPT. TRUMP – Please go to our space lounge and ask our sassy bartender Roseanne to bring me a Diet Coke. 

ENSIGN CONWAY – Right away, Sir. 

CAPT. TRUMP – Look, everything’s going to be fine. We’re on top. Everybody loves us. People tell me all the time, they love me and the work that I do. This ship and its crew will grow and prosper like no one has ever grown or prospered ever before in the history of the galaxy. Unless it doesn’t, in which case, it’s not our fault. We’re just following archaic space laws put in place by Romulans.

MR. PENCE: I think the doctor should ready the sick bay for extra emergencies, just in case.

CAPT. TRUMP: Bones?

DR. CARSON – Dammit, Donald, I’m a surgeon, not a doctor!...Sorry, I didn’t mean to speak above a somnambulistic whisper. I admire your magnificent leadership skills and that uniform looks good on you. Have you been playing golf in the holodeck?

CAPT. TRUMP – Every chance I get. Have the medical interns handle it, Bones. Get them to move that expensive furniture you bought out of the way. 

MR. PENCE – Captain, looking at our scanners, the asteroid belt is only minutes away from striking our hull.

CAPT. TRUMP – Well, Security Officer Mattis, do something. Shoot at it. Blast the asteroids out of the sky.

MR. MATTIS – Sir, that is unlikely to be effective. Blasting at the moon created them to begin with. Blasting at them again would just create more of them.

CAPT. TRUMP – Like Mexicans!

MR. MATTIS – You mean Klingons.

CAPT. TRUMP – Yes, I do. Well, I think the only option we have is for me to do something. I will devise a plan that will get rid of all the asteroids. There. I’ve made it. Only I alone can fix this.

MR. MATTIS – What's your plan?

CAPT. TRUMP – Wouldn’t you like to know?

MR. MATTIS – Yes. I would.

CAPT. TRUMP – I will announce it later and boy will you be surprised. That’s all I have to say. It will be a great plan. The greatest plan. Those asteroids will wish they had picked another ship.

MR. PENCE – Very wise of you, Captain.

(The ship suddenly goes into emergency systems mode as it is rocked by the storm of asteroids. The entire officer team seeks shelter under the conference table, except Mr. Mattis, who stoically stays seated in his chair. The pelting passes.)

CAPT. TRUMP – Damage report, Mr. Pence.

MR. PENCE – Looks like we have lost a major section of our keel. 

CAPT. TRUMP – Any casualties?

MR. PENCE – We lost the entire brig with the illegal Klingon adults and Hangar One where we were holding all the Klingon children. So, no, not really. 

CAPT. TRUMP – My plan worked!

ALL - America first!