By David Himmel

• Among friends, there’s no such thing as too drunk. Just get home safely. And don’t drop my kid or fuck my wife.

• I’m more and more afraid that I don’t have the energy to be annoyed anymore.

• Jesus will not save us. God will not save us. Babysitters will save us.

• Nothing legitimizes and humanizes your newborn son like an old radio pal giving the kid a shout out on-air and playing Give Me Just a Little More Time by Chairmen of the Board just for you.

• There was a rule when I was growing up at summer camp that if you were the one to finish the juice or take the last burger at a meal, you were the one who had to go to the cooks and get a refill. You Kill It, You Fill It. I like that rule. It holds us all responsible for our actions and the well-being of our brethren. I’d like to apply that rule to the coffee in my home but my wife refuses to comply. And people wonder why I miss summer camp.

• I’m not gay. Not even bi-curious. But I think Gene Kelly is the sexiest man to have ever lived, and without question or pause, I would dig up his bones and dry hump them to full completion.