by Joe Janes

Emergency Cat Meeting

Joe Janes’s Apartment, The Bed,

Today, One Hour After Eating Wet Food

In Attendance: Jaxie, Chewie, Freya, Bongo, and Oona (under the bed)

Jaxie: While the big hairless cat is in the other room mewling at the thing we try to use for a resting place, let’s talk.

Chewie: How can we get rid of him?

Freya: But he’s the one who gives us food and water. 

Bongo: I’ve been watching him. The crunchy food comes from under the sink. I can pry that open with my nose. The moist food comes from a shelf in the room near the second cat box. It’s disturbing to me that he keeps our food right next to where we poop. Does that bother anyone else?

Chewie: Nope. 

Freya: What about water? I love sticking my paws in the bowl and splashing most of it out onto the floor. Where will we get water?

Bongo: There is that one chair he sits on in the indoor rain room. I jumped up on his lap once while he was sitting on it. There’s water in there. I could see it. We can get as much as we want whenever we want.

Freya: Is it okay to drink?

Jaxie: It must be. I have seen him with his head in there many times. He is a very loud drinker.

Chewie: Very loud. I agree he has to go. He hogs the blanket and takes up too much space on this bed. By sleeping on top of him, you’d think he’d get the hint there’s no room for him. He’s not very bright.

Freya: He must have been the runt of his litter. 

Bongo: When I bite him, he thinks I’m being playful. Maybe I need to chew through the bone next time.

Jaxie: Every time he opens the door on that big box with the cold air in it, he gets nervous when I try to get inside. What is he trying to hide from us?

Chewie: I say the next time he goes out that door near the scratching post, we put all our toys in front of it to keep him out.

Jaxie: Good idea, but I think we need something more permanent. He might come in that door over here with the screen where he taunts us by being outside while we are inside.

Freya: He knows we can see him. He ignores our meows. 

Jaxie: I honestly had no problem with him until I noticed what he does with all the cat hair we give him to help with his baldness.

Bongo: I know! I saw that, too. He has something he rubs all over himself that removes our hair. Then he just throws it into the trash.

Freya: The ungrateful bastard. 

Chewie: Well, I say the next time he falls asleep, which happens a lot, we all climb on top of him and suck the stinking minty breath out of his lungs. 

Jaxie: I’m the biggest. I’ll knead my paws into his throat and crush the whole breathing thing while everyone else sits on his chest. 

Freya: I like it. Then, if we are unable to get to the food, we can eat him. 

Chewie: A little gross, but okay. I get the arms. I’ve already dug my teeth into that part. There’s a lot of give. 

Jaxie: Then it’s settled. Wait, where’s Oona?

Oona: Under the bed, as usual.

Jaxie: You cool with us killing the big hairless one?

Oona: He calls me his princess.

Freya: So, you don’t think we should kill him?

Oona: Oh, no. Take him out. I'm not his princess. Smash the patriarchy!