LITERATE APE

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I Believe... [And The Statuette Goes To Justin Bieber]

By Don Hall

…that, in terms of teachable moments and "Eureka!" type revelations, it is remarkable to note how jarring it is to see the person who stabbed you in the back with an office Sharpie and realize that, while you've slowly elevated him to almost mythical status in your aggrieved, childish mind, he is actually quite small and inconsequential. Best to remember that in the future.

...that it was just a matter of time before the Academy Awards morphed into the MTV Movie Awards. “And the Oscar for Best Onscreen Kiss goes to...”

…that, no, in fact, "you" haven't been putting up with anything for decades if you're currently 25. Your intense desire to elevate your pain by lumping it in with a group of people (most you don't know or couldn't possibly know) is in direct conflict with your argument that only personal suffering can grant true empathy.

Look at that black man smoking a cigarette in front of his child! 9-1-1!

...that your reaction to the very first time someone tells you can’t accomplish something is the moment you cement your character in life.

...that we desperately need to stop policing one another — from lecturing strangers on the harms of smoking and childcare to calling the cops on black people for doing nothing more than being black in a white dominated area. Goddamnit, we're all becoming Mrs. Kravitz from Betwitched.