By David Himmel

• Our laundry detergent is perfume-free because perfume-free is meant to be better for a baby’s sensitive skin. But because of the rate at which my baby pukes on his clothes and ours, the perfume in our laundry is, in effect, baby vomit, which is essentially breast milk. So now our cleanest clothes smell like titty milk puke.

• I wish we’d all agree that ur is not “your.” It’s “you are.” I’m fine with internet shorthand like thx and lol, because those make sense. Writing ur as “your” is counter intuitive to the sound ur making in your head. See what I mean?

• I’ve been told by a good handful of strangers that my tattoo is cute. Even my 94-year-old grandmother likes it. In order to not cover my body in what could just as easily be a 7-year-old girl’s sticker book, my next tattoo is going to be a flaming skull with an Elvis pompadour spewing shit from its mouth. And yes, there will be details of un-digested corn kernels in the mouth poo.

• I was in traffic the other day on the Kennedy. Saw a billboard that said, “Abortion takes away human life.” OK, but making the case to add more human lives to the planet when people are stuck in traffic isn’t the most effective way to communicate that message. This is basic marketing. This was poor media placement. You want a billboard to be effective to the people stuck in traffic? Slap up a billboard promoting the benefits of genocide.

• Picky eaters just need to smoke more weed.

• Your anxiety is not unique. It’s not new. It’s not one person’s fault. Anxiety is way too a complicated vixen to be reduced to the result of a single mentally deranged troglodyte making bad matters worse. Own your anxiety and realize that the State of the Union has been fragile and fractured for quite some time.