By Don Hall

Human beings are a simpleminded lot. In order to make the world a bit more comprehensible, we tend to take huge, complex issues and simplify them in ways that boil it all down and appeal to our common sense.

Early man simplified the world by creating gods that watched over us and responded to ritualistic behavior by bending nature to favor the pious — providing timely rain for crops or plentiful game to kill and eat. These early dudes explained the complexity of the potential solar system by arrogantly assuming the earth was flat (because they had no genuinely informed frame of reference) and that it was the center of all things.

The above graphic does the same. Trying to take an issue as needlessly complex as the United States Budget and boil it all down to resemble a family budget is well-meant but completely and utterly meaningless. I'm certainly no economist but have spent enough time filling my limited brain matter with economic theory and prognostication that I at least understand that the budget is far too complicated to boil it down.

So, in the spirit of Simplifying the Ridiculously Complex, let's continue down this road for a moment, yeah?

The CEOs of Mega-Corporations Explained by an Old Movie

Mr. Potter: [to George Bailey] 

Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You were going to go out and conquer the world. You once called me a warped, frustrated, old man! What are you but a warped, frustrated young man? A miserable little clerk crawling in here on your hands and knees and begging for help. No securities, no stocks, no bonds. Nothin' but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy. 

[Potter chuckles] 

You're worth more dead than alive! Why don't you go to the riffraff you love so much and ask them to let you have $8,000? You know why? Because they'd run you out of town on a rail. Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you, George. Since the state examiner is still here, as a stockholder of the Building and Loan, I'm going to swear out a warrant for your arrest. Misappropriation of funds, manipulation, malfeasance... 

[sees George runs off] 

All right, George, go ahead, George! You can't hide in a little town like this! 

Wall Street Explained in Simple English

Ricky Roma:

All train compartments smell vaguely of shit. It gets so you don't mind it. That's the worst thing that I can confess. You know how long it took me to get there? A long time. When you die you're going to regret the things you don't do.

You think you're queer? I'm going to tell you something: we're all queer. You think you're a thief? So what? You get befuddled by a middle-class morality? Get shut of it. Shut it out. You cheat on your wife? You did it, live with it. You fuck little girls, so be it. There's an absolute morality? Maybe. And then what? If you think there is, go ahead, be that thing.

Bad people go to hell? I don't think so. If you think that, act that way. A hell exists on earth? Yes. I won't live in it. That's me. 

[pause] 

You ever take a dump made you feel like you'd just slept for twelve hours? 

Men Explained in Broadstroke Terms

Gary Johnston:

We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything.

Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate — and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes.

I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit! 

Social Activism in a Simplistic Meme

Religion Explained by Analysis of a Poem

Loki:

No, "Through the Looking Glass." That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions.

Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They, they dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse.

I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of, out of fear of some, some intangible parent figure who, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, and says, "Do it... do it and I'll fuckin' spank you." 

Economic Theorists Explained by Funny Rap Lyrics

“I'm freestylin just on the microphone
On the BBC, on the BBC
I'm just freestylin on the BBC
Um British Broadcasting Company
I'm just basically making this shit up as I go along
Basically just free
Just basically from the top of my dome
Sometimes it's not so good
My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment
I made all the lady listeners pregnant” 
― Flight of the Conchords 

Yeah. We like our worldview to be as complication and nuance-free as possible. The less complexity, the easier it is to find someone to blame for our problems, amiright?