By Joe Janes

Trump’s Biggly Funeral Plans

Donald Trump’s bedroom at The White House

This morning at 5:00am

In attendance: Donald J. Trump,

Melania (asleep, across the hall, door open)

Recorded by hidden FBI microphone in Trump’s vanity mirror

Trump (shouting):  I’m tired of people telling me how to fly my flag or how I should say nice things about John McCain! I don’t like war heroes that get captured and I don’t like career republicans using death to get attention! Why do people like this guy so much? He couldn’t even beat Obama for president. I would have clobbered Obama the both times he ran. Just like I did Crooked Hillary…

McCain didn’t invite me to his funeral because he knows that everyone would want to talk to and about me… I get that. I’m a popular guy. People love me…Nobody I know loves John McCain…

The only good thing he ever did was give the world Sarah Palin! She doesn’t like him, either!...

The joke's on him! I don’t like John McCain and I don't like funerals. They are so boring! A bunch of lousy speakers talking fake nice about someone who is not me…

Dead people are very low energy…McCain is dragging out his funeral for a week. A WHOLE WEEK!!! Aretha did that, too. You're dead. Go away. Talk about torture…

When I die, which will be a very long time from now because I am the healthiest president to EVER take office. People tell me, but what about Obama? What about Obama? He’s a smoker. He probably has more coal in his lungs than Virginia has in its mines. He also drinks alcohol and only eats a handful of almonds every day.  I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. Call me a health nut. I only drink Diet Coke. No water. Just Diet Coke.  And I eat meat and potatoes. Lots of meat. Lots of fried potatoes…

When I die, stuff me and put me in a wingback chair. Make sure they get my hair right and angle my head so it looks like I have a chin. Fly me around the world so all my friends can get a chance to see me and weep at my feet. Have a little button people can push so they can hear me say, “You’re fired!” Get Mark Burnett to produce it…Are you writing this down, Melania?

When my well-preserved body comes back to Washington, I want my goddam military parade! I don’t care how much it costs. As a president, I can get whatever I want, and they have to pay for it! I want tanks, jets, paratroopers, soldiers, and me sitting on the bow of the USS Regan! Put that battleship up on wheels and roll it down Pennsylvania Avenue…

And I’ll tell you who is not invited. Obama is not invited. Anyone named Bush is not invited. No other president is invited. The Fake Media is not invited…You know who I want to give the eulogy? ME! Do one of those holograph things that they do with dead rappers. I’ll record something. No one is better at telling people how great I am than me…

Here’s my list for pallbearers that I want to carry me from the battleship to the Lincoln Memorial where they can sit me in his lap and then have my daughter Ivanka sit on my lap for the services… Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Alex Jones, Ted Nugent, and, of course, Don, Jr. and Eric, but make sure they have the light end,  my head. They have tender wrists…

After I give my rousing speech with all my greatest hits: The Wall, Lock Her Up, Drain The Swamp, and You’re Fired, I want a 21-bazooka salute. And I want everyone who attends to get a free bazooka with a conceal/carry permit. I want the NRA and my fans to love me in death, too. Then take my body and put me behind the wheel of a golf cart strapped to a rocket ship and have the Space Force blast me to the stars. I’ll be the first man and president on Mars. This will be the largest funeral for a president ever!!! Oh, and dress up Baron real cute in a suit with dress shorts and have him cry as my body goes by him. Like that JFK picture. People will forget about JFK, too, after I die. I will be the best dead president ever!