Who are These Fucking Rapey Dudes
A Supreme Court nominee is accused of attempted rape in high school and dangling his pud in front of woman in college.
The obvious political ramifications of the timing of the charges notwithstanding, the almost non-stop surfacing of violent, sex-crazed dudes from every corner of society is discomfiting, to say the least. The whole “boys will be boys” defense buys into an entire polemic that masculinity is somehow rooted in the cat-calling, aggressively possessive caveman attitude exhibited by boys and men (and manboys) who somehow believe this is acceptable behavior.
Sure, I’m not throwing stones too hard here. As a young man, and well into my thirties, the idea of using my junk to shock and offend in a prankster sort of way was standard (and hysterical to me at the time). I understand the argument that, in today’s way of thinking, intent is not important, only impact. The idea being that, if I pull out my nuts and ask “Is this your gum?” as a joke, it doesn’t matter if my intent was sexual — if you felt I was being sexual and it impacted you in that way, my intent is meaningless.
Full disclosure, I may understand the argument, but I think it’s horseshit.
Seriously, if you can’t see the difference between Al Franken making a “grab her tits” joke and a teenage Kavanaugh holding a high school girl’s mouth shut so he can stick his tiny man-root up all in her, you’re either a moron or you’re simply being intentionally obtuse. The only reason that otherwise decent men are on the ropes about #MeToo is that simple difference. That difference is about intent.
And that intent is out there. According to statistics from reputable studies:
Sexual Assault in the United States
One in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives
In the U.S., one in three women and one in six men experienced some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime
51.1% of female victims of rape reported being raped by an intimate partner and 40.8% by an acquaintance
52.4% of male victims report being raped by an acquaintance and 15.1% by a stranger
Almost half (49.5%) of multiracial women and over 45% of American Indian/Alaska Native women were subjected to some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime
91% of victims of rape and sexual assault are female, and 9% are male
In eight out of 10 cases of rape, the victim knew the perpetrator
8% of rapes occur while the victim is at work
If nothing else, and even if you decide these stats are skewed one way or the other, it is obvious to anyone not a dimwit that there is absolutely a problem to solve. So, who are these fucking rapey dudes?
The dudes who laugh at dick pics and get laughs showing off their balls? Not sexual predators. The dudes who ask you out for a drink after a seemingly benign conversation at a bar? Not sexual predators. The dudes who compliment you on your hair or clothes or weight loss? Not sexual predators. I know these guys. I’ve been the first and the second and I am the third.
But the dudes who yell across the street about a woman’s ass? The dudes who send unsolicited dick photos to women they barely know? The dudes who won’t take “no” for answer? These dudes are the problem. I don’t know these fucking dudes or why they think the way they do, so I took to Chicago’s streets to find them.
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Last week, I spent some time asking strangers (all men) if they were one of those fucking rapey dudes.
Fiftysomething white man on Wabash
He seemed angry to be even asked the question “Are you one of those fucking dudes who treats women disrespectfully on the street or are you all rapey?” He wanted to know why I asked him as if I had pulled him from a line-up. Once we got past the initial “Who the fuck are you to ask me that?” we talked for about 20 minutes about where “the line” was between admiring a woman dressed to be admired and being a rapey asshole. He referred to the women he sees downtown as “talent.”
I asked him if he had ever been abusive or sexually suggestive to a stranger. Never abusive he said. He and his wife had some problems once. He does try to pick up women, though, and how do you indicate you want to pick her up if you can’t be suggestive?
Twentysomething black guy on State
The kid was more than willing to have the conversation as long as we could walk while we talked. While not an incel, dude was single and not dating. “It’s too much work. I was called a creep for asking a woman in a bar for her phone number. We had to watch this video about sexual harassment and did you know that they’re calling it harassment if I bump into someone’s…,” and his voice got quiet like when you say “cancer”, “…boob?”
This kid has become trained to fear contact with women despite any intentions he may have that are normal and, you know, not rapey.
35-year old white guy on State Street
This guy had never witnessed anyone cat-calling a woman, either. He found it disgusting and went on for 10 minutes about being a feminist. He “believed all women” even if he thought they might be lying because that’s “the only way to deconstruct the patriarchy.”
His canned SJW responses were all I needed to hear before taking a mime pistol and shooting myself in the left eye.
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I spoke to 17 dudes. All of them fit pretty neatly in the three categorical examples above: Kind of Creepy, Terrified of Women, and Full On Virtue Signaler. The Terrified of Women category was the winner by a nose in terms of numbers. Hardly a Gallup Poll. I once, a few years ago, went out and asked 100 random Chicagoans what they thought of Ian Belknap and not one person had heard of him. I also once went to Humboldt Park and polled 50 or so random people about whether they went to theater or not (mostly not). These exercises demonstrate how truly tiny our circles of perception are and also that I often just have too much time on my hands but at least I wasn’t sitting in a dark room playing Fortnite.
I think there’s a high likelihood that most men are in the second category. Not rapey and not faux feminists. Just guys trying to figure out the rules and hoping to have some consensual sex once in a blue moon. Like the cops, who are overwhelmingly law-abiding non-lethal keepers of the peace (check the data if you doubt me), whose integrity is stained by the 5 or 6 percent of them who are racist or vicious, or vicious racists, the broader category of Men can’t get away from the Weinstein’s and the Cosby’s of their gender.
Domestic abusers? Rapists? It’s all I have in me to try and find some sense of humanity in my reaction because it is in those moments that I understand the violence of a revenge fantasy film starring Nicholas Cage or the bloodlust of Dick Cheney. In my fifties I’m working on that deescalation thing with some success but having been witness to domestic abuse as a kid, it’s hard. Watching my friend not only get hit on by an older married dude at a conference and subsequently be told it was her fault for being social with him and then watching her have to work feet away from the dude but then being reprimanded by HR for having a heated conversation with him about it, it’s frustrating to be of no assistance to her.
The thing is I don’t encounter these guys most of the time. Perhaps it’s because I no longer hang out in bars much or attend sporting events. No one invites me to conferences. I did, however, just finish up a summer contract house managing Millennium Park where I managed concerts, movies, and festivals for over 750,000 people and only encountered three dudes exhibiting this sort of behavior.
My wife tells me it’s because I’m always moving. That if I stood still on any random street corner long enough it would just be a matter of time before I bore witness to that which is wrong those fucking dudes.
I’ve never met an incel, at least not a card-carrying one or one who admitted it, let alone a “He-Man Woman Hater.” I can’t think of a time when I was friends with a dude who thought it was anything but vile stupidity to cat-call a woman on the street or from a car. Granted, I quit theater years ago, don’t hang out much in comedy clubs and decided that the improv scene was far too much like high school so maybe I’m missing out on all the dripping toxicity of dudes who are doing everything they can to be seen as funny and cool in order to get laid, sometimes at any cost.
Back to that whole impact vs. intent thing. There is a difference between wanting better behavior from men and full-throated misandry, and if you can’t bring yourself to make the distinction, you’re not about solving things as much as you are about the economy of prestige you get from the angry mob. And you are not helping. You’re just noisy assholes screaming while the rest of us are doing the best we can to enforce the (new) rules that should’ve been enforced all along.
Intent is equally as important as impact. Those fucking dudes are malicious in intent. That matters. The other guys? The Al Franken’s and Chris Hardwick’s are imperfect but with no malice. That matters, too.