By Joe Janes

First Lutheran Church of the Trinity High School Assembly – New Dress Codes

Wednesday, September 26, 2018, 10am,

The Father Lupnitz Memorial Gymnateria

In Attendance: Principal June Slater, Father Walter “Walt” Whipple,

the student body

Notes by office manager Helen Libben

Principal June Slater – Young ladies and gentlemen, please be seated. Please be seated. Thank you. Now, before we begin with our announcement, Father Whipple will lead us all in prayer.

Father Walter “Walt” Whipple – Let us pray. Dear Heavenly Father, please bless us and guide us and keep Satan at bay by shielding us from impure thoughts and, mainly, deeds. May your appropriately placed hand, perhaps on our shoulders with plenty of warning that it’s coming, lead us to shepherd our young flock in living pure, holy lives devoted to the Almighty. That’s you, God. Amen. And, in the interest of equity, awomen. Hashtag: Thine, Too.

Principal June Slater – Thank you, Father. We are assembled today to go over new dress codes for everyone. (There are many unfiltered groans from the students.) Now, now. This is all done with you in mind. We care about your safety. Dress codes have been proven effective, I’m told. Unfortunately, we live in a time where, especially young women, are susceptible to unwanted attention from young men. Sometimes that unwanted attention goes beyond touching with the eyes and becomes touching with the devil’s fingers. Girls, those fingers will stain the nooks and crannies of your soul. And possibly ruin a young man’s future. We wish to avoid all that. So, ladies, it’s not as bad as you might think. You can still where skirts…as long as they are no shorter than mid-calf. The general rule of thumb here is “longer is better”. For tops, you can wear pullovers or blouses. Collars are fine. Necklines must not plunge. No plunging. Stable, level lines no further down than one’s clavicle. Turtlenecks are encouraged, but not mandatory. No jewelry. No tattoos. Hair must be pulled back or trimmed short, but not too short as to look like a boy. Painted nails are okay as long as the nails aren’t long and the colors are limited to muted pinks and reds. Makeup is okay, if used with tremendous restraint. Too much makeup will result in a detention. Repeated dress code infractions could lead to suspensions or dismissal from this fine educational  institution. Honestly, I wish I had these guidelines when I was your age. I wore a skort once and all the boys did all day was look at me like a slobbery dog looks at a juicy piece of meat. I felt really bad that I did that to them.

Father Walter “Walt” Whipple – Principal Slater, perhaps you should move on to the dress code for boys.

Principal June Slater – Oh, yes. The young gentlemen do not get off scot free when it comes to the dress code. Here we go. It’s no shorts, except in gym class or participating in sports. And no t-shirts with dirty words on them. There you go. That is our new dress code. Okay. That’s it. Please head to your next period class. Young ladies, on your way out, please pick up a “Fighting Triangles” sports cup from Father Whipple. These cups have spill proof lids. You are to use them exclusively in the -ateria part of the gymnateria. It helps prevent anyone from putting anything untoward in your milk or lemonade at lunch. Better safe than sorry.