By Joe Janes

Citizens to Elect Rahm Emanuel 

8:00am September 5, 2018  The Mayor’s Office Chicago

In attendance: Rahm, Ted, Carol, Amy

Minutes recorded by Carol, even though it’s not in her job description

 

RAHM: Well, folks, I did it. I dropped the big bomb shell yesterday. I am not going to run for re-election. It’s time to move on. 

TED: Is there another cop video about to come out?

RAHM: This has nothing to do with suppressing any controversial-

CAROL: Sure worked last time. If the Laquan McDonald video had come out before the election, well, I’d be calling you Chuy Emanuel. 

RAHM: I think me wearing a sweater that one time for that one ad did the trick-

TED: Sure dodged a bullet there. 

CAROL: Sixteen of them.

RAHM: Let’s get down to business. We have $8 million in our war chest for running for mayor.

TED: All raised without breaking a sweat. Rich white guys love you.

CAROL: It’s like you have big dick Republican energy.

TED: That’s an oxymoron.

CAROL: You are.

RAHM: We must decide what we are going to do with the money and I have to decide on what I am going to do next. 

TED: There are strings attached to that 8 mil. You can donate it to other people running for office. Maybe give it to the candidate you want to replace you or throw it behind the Dems pick for president in 2020. 

RAHM: What if I’m the Dem pick for 2020?

TED: Oh. Well. Then we just put it in the bank and collect interest until we’re ready to roll out negative Trump TV ads. Which is tricky, because we see them as negative, but his base applauds them. 

CAROL: Are you really going to run?

RAHM: Just throwing it out there. What else can we do?

TED: We can give it to charity. 

CAROL: I’m a charity. I make less than all of you. 

TED: If you can get a not-for-profit license for your “charity”, we’ll talk. I can be your first lost cause, because I’m going to be out of a job at the end of this term. Unless you run for president, Rahm, then sign me up for that long trail of tears. Happy to help. 

RAHM: I’ve been fielding offers since my announcement.

CAROL: Already?

(Rahm’s wife Amy enters.)

AMY: Hi, everyone. Rahm, honey, I got some more job offers for you.

RAHM: What do we have?

AMY: Betsy DeVos at the Department of Education is very impressed with how you have turned around the school system in Chicago.

TED: How many public schools have you closed?

RAHM: I hope to break 100 before I leave office. 

CAROL: And you’ve opened a bunch of charter schools.

RAHM: That figure sounds accurate. 

TED: Blissfully non-union, for profit schools. You, Sir, are a visionary. 

RAHM: What does Betsy DeVos want me for?

AMY: She wants to keep a yacht in Montrose Harbor and wants someone to live on it to protect it from vandals and bears… That’s insulting.

RAHM: Put it in the “maybe” pile. Never know.

AMY: The NRA loves your work and wants you to be their spokesperson.

RAHM: Absolutely not. Put it in the other “maybe” pile.

AMY: Here’s an offer from an institution that I think truly gets the major contributions you have made to Chicago. 

RAHM: A CEO position?

AMY: Sort of. President. Of Syria. They’re looking for someone who can tolerate extreme violence while making money for themselves and their friends. 

RAHM: Looks like I have a new job. Let’s celebrate by inviting everyone in the office to join us for a drink after work.

TED: Love it. We can do shots of Jameson! 

RAHM: How many of us would there be total?

CAROL: Sixteen.

RAHM: Let’s make that champagne.