By Joe Janes

Donald J. Trump New Book Idea

Penguin Random House Books, Conference Room, New York City

Attendance: Ike, Betty, Stan, Bernard

Wednesday, January 2, 2019  8:30am

 Ike - Happy 2019, Everyone. Welcome back to work. Everyone have a good New Year’s Eve?

Betty – I drank so much, I don’t remember it. 

Stan – If only there was a way to extend that blackout to all of 2018.

Bernard – Glad to see 2018 gone but can’t say 2019 looks any better. This could be a “hold my beer” year. 

Betty – I don’t know what that means.

Bernard – It means hold my beer. I have the jitters and might spill it. 

Stan – This doesn’t seem very optimistic.

Ike – Exactly why we are here. I have an idea that could 1) make us some money, 2) capitalize on the popularity of Donald Trump and interest in his book The Art of the Deal, and 3) help people feel more positive about life. 

Betty – Wow. I don’t think all those three goals fit in the same room, let alone the same sentence. 

Stan – I also don’t think we will be able to link Trump’s popularity with “buying a book”. 

Bernard – “Book Readers” and “Trump Fans” probably don’t go to the same rallies. 

Ike – We’ll keep the book short. Small words. No narrative structure. You can pick it up and read any page you want in any order. 

Betty – That sounds like his presidency. What are we publishing? His Tweets?

Ike – I doubt it. I’m picturing a book full of motivational quotes by the President of the United States.

Stan – Under most circumstances, that could be inspirational. 

Bernard – I can’t think of any quotes other than “You’re fired!” Not very motivational and a little shouty.

Betty – What if we changed it to “You’re hired!” Who doesn’t like to hear those words?

Ike – That’s what I’m talking about. We can take classic quotes, tweak them, and say they’re from Donald Trump. All he has to do is have someone read them to him and sign off on them. 

Stan – So, take a quote like Wayne Gretzky’s, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” We could change it to “Take all your shots. 100%!”

Ike – Yeah. Like that. Works for a sports and a medicine metaphor. 

Bernard – Alcohol, too. There’s also Socrates’s “An unexamined life is not worth living.” It could be, “A life without exams is worth paying for.”

Betty – Woody Allen once said, “Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

Stan – “100% of success is feeling up.” You know, being positive. 

Betty – “Feeling Up” works on several levels. 

Bernard – “Winning isn‘t everything but wanting to win is.” Vince Lombardi. We can make it, “Winning isn’t everything, but saying you won is.” 

Ike – We’re on a roll. We’ll be able to get this book out in time for the holiday season. We can get Morgan Freeman to do the audio book.

Betty – I don’t think Morgan Freeman is a republican. 

Ike – He’s an actor and never turns down a narrator job. White people love him, even the racists. 

Stan – (imitating Morgan Freeman) “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, I’m right.”

Bernard – (imitating Morgan Freeman) “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Mexico will pay for it.”

Betty – (doing the best Morgan Freeman) “Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without my consent.”

Ike – (doing the worst Morgan Freeman) – “If you can dream it, you can pay for it and have people sign non-disclosure agreements.”  Excellent work, people. I think we can get You’re Hired! Inspirational Quotes by Donald J. Trump ready and proofed in just a few months. This is going to make us a huge amount of cash.

Betty – “Aim for the moon, and if you miss, blame your enemies.”