By Joe Janes

Emergency CCHS Administrative Meeting

 January 23, 2019   9:00 a.m. Principal Rowe’s Office

 In Attendance: Principal Rowe, Vice-Principal Jackson, Superintendent Wallace,

Sally Danforth – Office Administrator and note taker.

Wallace – Thank you all for meeting this morning after what has been a few very hectic days.

Jackson – Our website crashed from all the traffic.

Rowe – I unplugged the server. I wanted to give the noise a rest. 

Sally – Are we here to discuss which boys will be expelled?

Wallace – Oh, hell no. This is a private school filled with privileged white boys. We get threatened with lawsuits when we give one of them an A-. We’d get clobbered financially if we expelled any of them. 

Sally – Even Smugface? 

Jackson – Mr. Sandmann was just exercising his right as an American citizen. That’s what his PR firm came up with and I think we should honor that.

Rowe – Should we pray or something?

Wallace – What? Oh. Yeah. Meeting prayer. Here we go. “Father, You. Only You truly know what we are setting out to accomplish today. Forgive us for our pride. The pride that puffs us up like a swollen cankle. Bless this meeting today and all those present. May our decisions today help cover our reverent behinds and make us seem only mistaken for racist. Amen”

Everyone – Amen.

Wallace – The boys have been working hard on the TV news to tell the world the real story of how their Christian actions and values were simply misinterpreted, if not manipulated, by the media. 

Sally – Is our meeting to discuss ways we can rid our school of racism?

Wallace – In the words of the Almighty, “sort of.” People have been going through Covington Catholic’s history looking for anything that paints us in an unflattering light.

Rowe – Like Blackout Days where kids wear blackface and yell at black basketball players on the opposing team.  

Wallace –I wore blackface when I was a student here. It’s a great way to show team spirit. It’s a shame, but no more blackface will be allowed on Blackout Days. 

Jackson – I’m glad we will finally be teaching the boys about sensitivity and why blackface is hurtful and wrong.

Wallace – Or we can just tell them to stop it. What else is coming up this school year that we should look out for?

Sally – Well, let’s look at the calendar of events… The Bowling Club is having a fundraiser called Slave Day where students can pay for one of the members to be their slave for a day. 

Wallace – Nothing racist about bowling. What else is coming up?

Sally – For Cinco de Mayo, we’ll be serving tacos in the cafeteria and all the workers will be wearing sombreros. The Young Republicans Club will be selling blocks that students can use to build a wall and keep The Spanish Club members from getting lunch.

Jackson – I see no problem with this. It teaches current events. Spanish Club students can pack their own lunch and stop using up our resources.

Sally – The only other thing I see is the Mock Trial on City Government Day.

Rowe – That always teaches valuable lessons to our students. What’s the case this year?

Sally – One of our students will portray a white police officer who shot an unarmed black man he pulled over for not using his turn signal.

Wallace – We’ll leave that one up to the jury of his white Catholic male peers. This all looks on the up and up. Now, I have to go across the street to the all-girls Catholic high school. That one’s going to be a toughie.

Rowe – What’s that one for, Sir?

Wallace – It’s an assembly dealing with sex education that I have to make sure doesn’t get too sexy or too educational. 

Jackson – What’s the topic? Maybe we should do one here?

Wallace – No need. This one is called “How Not to Get Raped.” Meeting adjourned. Thank you, Lord. Thoughts and prayers. Double Amen.

Everyone – Double Amen.