By Lauren Huffman

Have you ever had an overwhelming feeling that you should not go out with the guy you’ve been chatting with online?

Like, there is just something odd about his messages. He does not pick up social cues even when they are quite literally spelled out in front of him. His expressive details about his softball team and their season that ended months ago seem unnecessary and are simply boring. You indicate your disinterest by not responding. Yet, your text messages continue to blow up with details about a playoff game that may or may not be rescheduled. WHO CARES!? As if that weren’t enough, he is in love with his job. His job analyzing how the insurance company he works for can more successfully screw over their customers in the coming year.

So naturally, I met him at Old Town Pour House.

I was a bit early and enthralled on what was playing on the TV screens. It was the night of the Mercy Hospital shooting and news was still breaking. My gaze was interrupted with, “Are yooosh Lauren?”

In front of me stood a five-foot, three-inch balding man with a speech impediment. Why did I agree to meet him? Will I ever learn? I knew from the texts he was not a winner.

“Yes, I am. Nice to meet you.”

“Did I tell you about the time I went to Orso’s with a date from Bumble?” He asked me.

I stared at him. Was he seriously asking if he had spoken with me about another date? It appears, he was.

“No,” I replied, deadpan.

“She was so wassssshhhhted when we met up, I did not take advantage, but ssssshe totally wanted me to. But in this era, I don’t need any Me Too momentssssshh.”

“Orso’s isnt that great.”

“Do you like dick picssssssssshh? My friend is all about them but I think they are unnecessssshhhary.”

“I think we should close out. It was nice meeting you.”

My date let out a large sigh as if this has happened to him many times.

"Okay,” he finally mustered.

I paid for my wine and got the hell out of there. I have vowed to myself I will follow my gut moving forward. Here’s to a New Year and new standards!