By Joe Janes

USS Trump 1776-D Emergency Officers Meeting

Stardate: -303977.021023592

In Attendance: Capt. Donald Tiberius Trump, Mr. Spock, Lt. Uhuru, Dr. McCoy

Minutes recorded by Lt. Uhuru even though the ship’s computer can do that,

but Capt. Trump doesn’t trust computers

Capt. Trump – Thank you for meeting with me so early in the morning.

Mr. Spock – It’s nearly noon, Captain. 

Capt. Trump – Oh, well, early for me, although I have been up for hours, too. Going over intelligence communications from Earth.

Dr. McCoy – We still call that television, Don. 

Capt. Trump – We come from the greatest planet in the whole universe. No other planet like ours. No question about it. 

Mr. Spock – On what criteria you basing this assertion, Captain.

Capt. Trump – I wouldn’t call it an assertion as much as I would call it a fact, Mr. Spock. You like facts. The criteria I am using is Earth’s undeniable awesomeness.

Mr. Spock – Vulcan has superior technology and intellect. We have yet to encounter a more advantaged social system in any of our adventures. 

Capt. Trump – Does Vulcan have a Hooters?

Mr. Spock – No.

Capt. Trump – Earth has over 430. We win. 

Mr. Spock – Yes, Captain. 

Capt. Trump – Because of our awesomeness, we have to take action. There is a crisis on our hands. 

Lt. Uhura – Climate change?

Capt. Trump – Never heard of it. 

Lt. Uhura – It’s—

Capt. Trump – I’ll kiss you later. What I am talking about is a huge caravan of aliens making their way to earth. They are currently just beyond the Delta Quadrant. When space sends its aliens, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. People like Little Spock, here. You’re very low energy, by the way. Is that a Vulcan thing? I guess it is. I assume it is. They’re sending aliens that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to us. They’re bringing space drugs. They’re bringing space crime. They’re space rapists. And some, I assume, are good beings. The blue ones are all bad. I’m talking about the cute, short cuddly ones. They’re okay. They’d make good pets. But they aren’t going to let us pick and choose. They are going to invade our planet and soon there will be a Gagh vessel on every corner. 

Dr. McCoy - These people might be coming to earth to escape unfair or unsuitable conditions. They might be poor and destitute.

Mr. Spock – Earth is a member of the United Federation of Planets which encourages cultural exchanges-

Capt. Trump – I quit them. 

Mr. Spock – You quit the Federation?

Dr. McCoy – You can’t do that, Jim. We’re just a ship.

Capt. Trump – I’m the captain. I can do what I want. The Federation is a waste of our money and resources. All they do is send us out there to fight their battles—

Mr. Spock – Explore new worlds.

Capt. Trump – We get into a lot of battles.

Dr. McCoy – Because you keep shooting things, Don.

Capt. Trump – What’s the point of having photon torpedoes if we don’t use them?

Mr. Spock – Captain, how do you propose we deal with the caravan of aliens heading toward earth? Should we encounter them and make sure they have enough resources to make the trip safely?

Capt. Trump – (laughing) Oh. You’re serious. 

Mr. Spock – I am always serious.

Capt. Trump – I propose we build a wall around earth to keep out unwanted illegals. All they do is bring crime. And one of the things they steal is jobs. 

Dr. McCoy – And you think a wall will keep them out? How high is this wall?

Capt. Trump – As high and wide as it needs to be. 

Mr. Spock – That’s neither feasible nor structurally possible. 

Capt. Trump – Anything’s possible. We’re in space! We need to preserve our way of life. These aliens can just turn around and go home. Or we’ll give them a taste of some good old earth photon torpedo sandwiches. 

Mr. Spock – Photon torpedo technology originated with the Klingons. 

Capt. Trump – And we took it and made it better making it 100% American. I mean…Earthen? 

Lt. Uhura – Captain, I just received a communication. Fox News is running a special about Space Force’s greatest leaders and will be devoting most of the program to you.

Capt. Trump – I’m not surprised. Anyone surprised by that? I’ve done more as a captain than any other captain in the Space Force ever. What time does the show air?

Lt. Uhura – There’s no information on that. Could be at any minute.

Capt. Trump – Let’s table talking about this crisis. I’ll be in my quarters. Do not disturb me. Meeting dismissed.

(Captain Trump runs out of the meeting room.)

Lt. Uhura – Well, that ought to keep him busy for a while.