By Joe Janes

 

The White House  The Oval Office

March 10, 2019     1pm

Attendance: Donald J. Trump, Wile E. Coyote, Dr. Evil,

and Kevin McCallister

 

Trump: Gentlemen. Thank you for meeting with me. It’s an honor to have you here at the White House with me, which, I’m sure it’s an honor for you, too.

Evil: It certainly is!

Coyote: Glad to have my high IQ recognized by a fellow stable genius.

McCallister: Whatever I can do to keep the Wet Bandits out of our country. 

Evil & Coyote: Whoa! Whoa!

Trump: People will freak out on Twitter if you use that term, Kevin. Everyone’s too PC these days. Merry Christmas, by the way. 

Coyote: They are Mexicans.

Trump: I prefer to call them animals. You all know about my plans to build a wall along the southern border. I don’t think it’s enough. We need stuff in and around the wall to keep these bad hombres out. Like a moat filled with snakes and alligators.

Evil: That’s cute, Donald. May I rec-

Trump: Don’t say lasers on their heads. I have a laser pointer. It does nothing. Are we supposed to distract the illegal aliens by making them chase a red dot?

Evil: I was going to suggest we fill the alligators with scorpions and replace their teeth with fruit-flavored vape cartridges. If the stinging scorpions don’t get them, the vaping will. 

Trump: I like that. I like that. We can also give the alligators guns. Their mouths are long enough to hold a rifle or even a canon. What if the savages figure out a way over the moat?

Coyote: If they should get passed the moat, I have the perfect solution. Make sure one section of the wall is made out of thick concrete. Paint a tunnel on it. If they pole vault over the moat toward the tunnel, they’ll smack right into it, shatter several bones, and slide down the side of the wall. Genius. 

Trump: I like it. 

Coyote: The alligators can eat the bodies to keep them from piling up and ruining the surprise. 

Trump: Okay, okay. Worst case scenario. The criminals make it up the wall and jump over. What can we do?

McCallister: Simple, Mr. President. Cover the ground on the other side with ice, marbles, and light bulbs. They won’t get far if they’re slipping and bleeding. 

Coyote: If they make it beyond the chilled slick shards and tiny glass orbs, I have the perfect thing. Spring-loaded platforms. They step on them and get catapulted right back to the other side. Probably land in the moat! Delicious! 

Evil: Dig the moat deep enough and I can patrol it in my submarine lair.

Trump: That’s a very generous offer, Dr. Evil. These are great ideas. Now, I don’t need to tell you. I’m doing this all hush-hush. Some people seem to think these actions are illegal. I’ll Tweet about it, but we must not talk about it. In fact, I can’t even use a government agency to build the things we need. I can divert funding from social security and Medicare but need to have some other company build everything. Any suggestions?

Coyote: Is that a mailbox next to your desk?

Trump: Yes. I like to have mail and Diet Cokes readily accessible.

(Wile E. Coyote scribbles something on a piece of paper, folds it, and places it in the mailbox. A truck pulls up outside and honks its horn. They all look out the window.)

Coyote: Done and done, Mr. President.

Trump: Acme! I’ve heard good things. Everyone says good things about them. Those rapists and drug dealers and some, I assume, good people are going to regret they ever heard of Donald J. Trump!

(Dr. Evil bursts out in an evil laugh.)

Evil: Sorry. I thought we were all going to do that.