by Joe Janes

 The Comedy Emporium Faculty Meeting

Somewhere on the north side of Chicago

11:00am scheduled time, 12:12pm start 

In Attendance: Norm, Mick, Susan, Charna

A common complaint in the student evaluations is that improv is hard.

Faculty meeting was called to discuss new “rules” for improvisation to better serve the general talent level of paying students and boost retention rates. 

Curriculum for each level will now reflect these principles which will also be shared with teachers and students:

-       It’s pathetic that you don’t know how to pretend to hold a glass or set it down. Just go get a real cup and hold it in every scene, for fuck’s sake. Put some beer in it. 

-       You clearly have never raked or swept or shoveled anything your whole goddam life. Just put your hands in your pockets and talk about cleaning up the yard.

-       You know where it’s great to push three bentwood chairs together and pretend it’s a sofa? At home. Where you have no fucking furniture. On stage, just stand and talk. This ain’t no Ikea.

-       Talking IS an activity, shitheads. 

-       The only knob you know how to convincingly twist is the one between your legs. Make all doors like the doors on the USS Enterprise. 

-       Turn “Yes, and-“ into “Okay, whatever-“ if you don’t like or understand your scene partner’s stupid fucking idea. 

-       You can be the person in the scene who “works” at their “desk” on their “computer” inexplicably flailing at the “keyboard” or you can stick one hand down your pants and be the office porn addict. Always make your idea of a funny choice regardless of the so-called “reality”*** of the scene.

-       Surefire ways to heighten scenes: partial nudity, intense staring, lurching at people, licking one’s lips, licking other people’s lips, chair humping, nunchucks

-       Movie quotes mixed with jokes Uber drivers have told you are a good substitute for emotional connection in a scene.

-       Audience suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do whatever the fuck you want. Especially if you already have the scene all planned out.

-       Guess what, Monkey Nips? The suggestion is “spatula”. It’s always going to be spatula. No need to even ask for a suggestion.

-       Go ahead. Just snap your fingers and make people and things magically appear. You’re a goddam Improv Wizard!

-       Create as many imaginary people as you want in your scene and let them do all the work. They won’t fuck things up with their real-life relatable bullshit. 

-       Improv is magic. Magic is fake. It’s all misdirection. When stuck in a scene, point and shout, “Look over there!”

-       Make sure you are chewing gum on stage. You probably just ate at Taco Bell and didn’t brush your teeth. Better to chew gum than to have your mouth radiate ass. 

-       Warm-ups are usually fifteen-to-twenty before a performance, so you don’t need to get there until a few minutes before the host calls your team’s name. No need to spend more time with these despicable cunt socks than you have to.

-       Coffee and nicotine count as warm-ups. So does beer.

-       You are either slicing a carrot or a loaf of bread, nobody can tell, and nobody gives a fuck. Just carry a real knife. Good for many different improv scenarios and for handing an audience full of assholes.

-       There is no scene ever where it is not appropriate to be an astronaut, a cowboy, or a pimp.

-       There is no such thing as a stupid question. Just stupid answers. Roll your eyes whenever a scene partner answers your questions, so the audience knows you’re the smart one.

-       It is perfectly acceptable and encouraged to blame your scene partner for how poorly the scene is going while performing the scene. 

-       You are pure suck. Suck less than your scene partner. 

*** The only reality is that people paid money to see you and you better make them laugh and encourage them to drink and eat. Speaking of reality, register for your next class. Also, you’re welcome for us letting you perform unpaid on our stages.