By Joe Janes

The Very, Very, Very White House

The Oval Office

Attendance: President Trump, Mick Mulvaney,

Kellyanne Conway

Mick – Sir, per your request, we have selected a few candidates for pardons this year.

Trump – Good. I’m glad to hear that. I was saying last year, we need to check them out. We don’t know who they are. Where they came from. We don’t want to pardon a criminal.

Mick – Well, you pardoned two service members last week who were, by definition, war criminals.

Trump – That’s different. They’re soldiers. I have a lot of respect for soldiers who don’t say bad things about me.

Kellyanne – We picked four candidates for pardon. The first is named Tom. He grew up on a farm factory in Indiana. Kept to himself. As much as he could in such crowded incarcerated conditions.

Trump – A loner. Could be a nut job. Last thing I need is to pardon him and have him shoot up a school. Guess who they’ll blame for that. Who’s next? 

Mick – Well, there’s also Apple.

Trump – Tim Apple? I don’t like that guy. I think.

Mick – No, Sir. The bird’s name is Apple.

Trump – Tell me about this jailbird.  

Mick – Well, he doesn’t get along with others. Has ruffled a lot of feathers. 

Trump – Not afraid to piss people off. I like this Apple. Let’s pardon him. Anyone else?

Kellyanne – Kim Kardashian called us with a recommendation.

Trump – The blacks love me.

Kellyanne - His name is Popcorn Caramel. Wandered into their backyard. They consider him their spirit animal. 

Trump – We have to pardon him. Of course. I won’t say no to Kanye. Good work today. I’m going to go watch more television. They have been talking a lot about Donald Trump lately. 

Mick – There is one more turkey for you to consider pardoning, Sir.

Trump – Okay. One more.

Mick – Roger Stone.

Trump – Never heard of him.