By Don Hall

You love Starbucks. You love Vanilla Lattes and Soy Chi Frappuccinos. You fucking love pumpkin spice.

You love Survivor. Both the show and the 1980s band.

You love Werther’s Originals. You have a stash of them in a drawer at home and, once in awhile, just pop one in your mouth and fill yourself with caramel and self-loathing.

You love that iPhone. You may own a plastic Android phone but you covet that iPhone 11 and would light your mother on fire for an Apple Watch.

You love the WWE. Sure, you don’t pay to see it live but you would if you could without your friends finding out.

You love the movies of Steven Spielberg, Batman, and The Simpsons.

You love mimes. You love tennis.

You love Mike’s Hard Lemonade and PBR.

You love Boston, LED Zeppelin, and Journey.

You hate colonization but you would do it if you could. You hate the police unless you get hired to be one. You hate late stage capitalism but you’d strangle a Baby Yoda if you could get hired by a Fortune 500 company and make $500,000 a year.

You love Denny’s, hamburgers, fries, spaghetti, and Coca-Cola.

You love Guy Fieri. You love Shark Tank. You love Nora Ephron. You love 5Ks. You love The Crown. 

Yes, you love Black Panther but you love Spider-Man more.

You love white people shit so just stop.