By Joe Janes

 

The Exceedingly White House   The Oval Office

Wednesday, December 11, 2019 11:30 a.m.

Attendance: Donald Trump, Kellyanne Conway, Mick Mulvaney

Trump – Merry Christmas, everyone.

Mick and Kellyanne – Merry Christmas, Sir. 

Trump – Do you remember when we weren’t allowed to say that? 

Kellyanne – Yes. It was horrible. The Obama administration was the most oppressive presidency in the history of all presidencies. 

Mick – Perhaps the most oppressive of all time.

Kellyanne – I just said that.

Mick – You said in history, which I took to mean in the history of U.S. presidents. I mean since the beginning of time. Ever since the almighty said, “Let there be presidents like Donald Trump.”

Trump – I’m mentioned by name in the Bible? We should frame that and put it on the wall next to my TIME “Person of the Year” cover.

Mick – I was speaking metaphorically. It’s open to interpretation, Sir. Like your TIME cover.

Kellyanne – When Jesus says, “Let there be light” I just know he is talking about you, Sir. 

Trump – That’s just obvious. Jesus knows what’s it’s like to be Donald Trump. We’re both victims of the biggest witch hunts in history. His did not end well. 

Mick – You and Jesus have a lot in common. 

Trump – I didn’t want to say it, but it’s true. We both wrote bestselling books. All by ourselves. He was killed by jealous haters and that’s who I have coming after me. 

Kellyanne – You both perform miracles, too.

Trump – That’s true. Look at our economy. The stock market has never been higher. Strongest ever in history. Unemployment is at its lowest. Lowest ever. Rich people have never been richer. The world has stopped laughing at us. All thanks to me.

Mick – You also won the election when your opponent had 3 million more votes. That’s a miracle, Sir. 

Trump – That’s justice, Mick. Jesus and I are just. We’re also both white Christians. 

Kellyanne - Can’t get more American than you and Jesus.

Mick – Is this today’s agenda, Sir? Comparing you to Jesus? I think it’s a great strategy this time of year. Make the democrats look like the bad guys who want to persecute a holy man like yourself. Better choice than Thanos, really. 

Trump – I have something very important to discuss. Toilets. In space. I had a woman come up to me after the rally in Hershey last night. Tears in her eyes. She said, “Sir, my son wants to be a member of your Space Force. I’m worried. After what you said about toilets here on earth, how will he poop in space? I want him to be able to poop while floating around up there. Please, Sir, help my son poop in space. With just one flush, Sir.”

Kellyanne – We’ll get Space Force on it. 

Mick – NASA probably has a plan for this. They have had people pooping in space since the moon landing.

Trump – Have they? I don’t know. They never show astronauts pooping in space. Never saw Neil Armstrong pooping on the moon. I think they are up there holding it in, which, I’m told, isn’t healthy. 

Kellyanne – They do space walks. Maybe they are pooping outside.

Trump – Which is worse. These are members of Space Force. Not dogs. They deserve to sit on a toilet to poop and to only flush once. Make this happen. I’ll sign an executive order, if I have to. 

Mick – We’ll get right on it, Sir. 

Kellyanne – It’s what Jesus would want us to do.

Trump – Praise him and me.

Kellyanne and Mick – Praise him and you.