By Joe Janes

Star Wars Story Meeting 2017

Bad Robot Headquarters

The McGuffin Conference Room – B

Wednesday, December 6, 2017     9:30am

Attendance: Derek Connolly, Colin Trevorrow, Chris Terrio, and J. J. Abrams

 

J.J. – Okay, everyone, The Last Jedi is about to open. Time to break the story for the next and last film in the trilogy. 

Derek – Shouldn’t we see the film first and see what Rian Johnson did?

J.J. – Sitting at this table are the hottest white male middle-aged Hollywood writers who brought the world Justice League, Batman v Superman, the Jurassic Park reboots… We can do whatever we want. If it contradicts anything Rian did, we can fix it by saying Kylo was lying because of the Dark Side. Or time travel. I like time travel a lot. Great way to fix things.

Colin – What do you think the story should be, J.J.? 

J.J. – I have thought about this long and hard. Our story should be filled with as many ham-fisted references to the original trilogy as we can possibly cram in there. Maybe a nod or two to the prequels to be nice to George. 

Chris Terrio – That doesn’t really sound like a story and I wrote Justice League. 

J.J. – Okay, okay. I hear you. That’s why I already came up with a title like Return of the Jedi. …The Rise of Skywalker. Same number of syllables. What do you think?

Derek – I think all the porn parodies are going to have a difficult time coming up with a twist on a title that already sounds like a porn parody. 

J.J. – Right? I’m always two steps ahead. And if they use the title as is, we get royalties. Or can sue. Or both. That’s not really my department. 

Colin – So, it’s all going to be about Luke Skywalker.

J.J. – No. He dies in The Last Jedi. 

Chris – Spoiler alert!

Derek – Well, I assume it’s not about Leia. Since Carrie Fisher really died. 

J.J. – We could CGI the shit out of her, but no. 

Colin – Then it’s Rey. Rey is the Skywalker in the title! Do I win a prize?

J.J. – Everyone is going to think that, Colin, and they’ll be right. But in a reflection of today’s modern family structures, it’s not going to be as simple as Luke got laid celebrating the destruction of the second Death Star. Which he probably did. Jedis aren’t Catholic priests. And what woman wouldn’t want to go down on his light saber after saving the galaxy? Orion slave girls would have been throwing themselves at him.

Chris – I think that’s Star Trek. 

J.J. – Hey, it’s all space. 

Derek – So Rey is Luke’s daughter that he doesn’t even know about. 

J.J. – Better. He has twins that he doesn’t know about. Luke was a twin and in space, if you’re a twin and have a baby, it will be a twin, too. 

Colin – Makes sense. Who is her twin? Have we met the character already?

J.J. – Oh, yes. This is genius. Her twin is Kylo Ren.

Chris – Don’t they have the hots for each other?

J.J. – Of course, they do. Just like Luke and Leia did until they found out in the third film they were brother and sister. Not sure why they had to stop having the hots for each other. It’s space. 

Derek – But we already established that Kylo Ren is the son of Han and Leia. 

J.J. – Picture this. We discover Leia was barren from being such an active independent woman. We also find out Han Solo was rendered impotent from the carbonite he was frozen in. The Orion slave girl sells her children. One to some junk dealer on Jakku who sold her to a fighter pilot who ends up dying in a space battle and the other to Leia who thinks a son will save her and Han’s marriage. Brilliant!

Colin – That’s a lot of explaining to do.

J.J. - Star Wars fans love things being explained. Preferably while things are being destroyed.

Chris – Okay. Okay. I can see this. We need a big reveal, though. A “Luke, I am your father” kind of moment that makes the audience gasp.

J.J. – Again. Two steps ahead of you. Rey and Kylo are fighting each other on the remnants of a fallen destroyed Death Star. Oh, there’s also a new Death Star. When the First Order/Empire likes an idea, they stick with it. Which is why they need Lando Calrissian to pilot the Millenium Falcon because he’s the only person alive who has destroyed one. Back to Rey and Kylo. They’re fighting. It’s a tough battle. Back and forth, back and forth. Who’s winning? Who’s losing? She takes a big swing and it cuts off Kylo’s right hand. His light saber hand. While he’s clinging to the side of something that’s high above something else. 

Derek – So, just like Darth Vader and Luke, but with the dark side being the one defeated.

J.J. – Well, here’s the even bigger big twist. We THINK Rey is good, but we discover here that she has fully gone to the dark side while it’s Kylo who is trying to bring out the good in her. 

Colin – I just peed myself. 

J.J. – As she stands there over Kylo, all triumphant-y, she says, “Kylo, I am your father.”

Chris – Mind blown.

Derek – Talk me through THAT.

J.J. – Quick montage! We see that the twins weren’t really birthed. Luke cloned them and told the Orion slave that they were her children because Orion slave girls aren’t very bright. Rey is a clone of Annakin Skywalker and Kylo is a clone of Luke Skywalker. He wanted him and his father to have another chance.

Colin – How did Rey find this out?

J.J. – A baby Yoda shows up and does a mind meld with her. 

Chris – Well, let’s get writing! 

J.J. – Let’s get this done by noon. I have a dozen other projects that need rehashing.