(This piece was performed at BUGHOUSE! in Las Vegas at Bunkhouse on December 23, 2019. It is a rebuttal to Don Hall’s piece about what a horrible person George Bailey is. Audience members were handed scripts in the moment to read out loud. Clarence Oddbody was played by Kelly. The bartender was played by Dylan the bartender. Don Hall was played by Don Hall.) 

 It’s A Wonderful Joe

By Joe Janes

Joe: Of course, George Bailey is a good person. This is such a slam dunk. He’s played by Jimmy Stewart who is also a good person. George Bailey saved his little brother Harry’s life who went on to be a war hero by killing as many Japanese people he could. George also saved somebody else because Mr. Gower, the drunk grieving pharmacist, put poison into pill form. George Bailey saved his boss’s ass. Gower stopped drinking and, hopefully, learned not to keep jars of poison right next to medicine. Who does that? That’s day one of pharmacy school – medicine here, poison way, way, way over there maybe not in the same room. George’s relationship with Mary wasn’t some love-at-first sight Hollywood malarkey. It built over time; they grew to love one another. It was earned and lasted, and it only got a little rape-y when she was hiding naked in a bush and he was using her robe for leverage for what we don’t know exactly. Fortunately, his father died of a heart attack and that got him out of there. 

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. It’s just so hard to argue something I no longer believe. Don Hall is right. George Bailey is not a good person. He never took a single step outside of Bedford Falls. His family lives in a drafty old house that he used to throw rocks at. He has a kid named Zuzu. Zuzu—short for Pazuzu, the demon from The Exorcist… I just, I can’t. He puts shredded coconut on his ice-cream for fuck’s sake. That’s just horrible. I never should have agreed to do this. I wish I had never agreed to do this. Do you hear me, God? I wish I had never done Bughouse.

Clarence: Your prayers have been answered, Joe Janes. 

Joe: What do you mean?

Clarence: You never did your piece about George Bailey being a good person at the Bughouse show. 

Joe: Who are you?

Clarence: My name is Clarence Oddbody. I’m an angel, second class. By helping you, I’ll get my wings.

Joe: What kind of name is Oddbody? Irish?

Clarence: I’m called Oddbody because, well, take a look. I have a third nipple, my knees bend backwards, and my nut sack looks like a russet potato covered with eyes. Real eyes. The kind that stare at you. I’m hundreds of years old. People were named quite literally back then. Just ask Honest Abe Lincoln’s postmaster general, Caleb P. Openumbrellaanus. 

Joe: And you’re an angel?

Clarence: That’s usually the first question people ask. Yes. I’m an angel. And I granted your wish. You never performed your piece at Bughouse. 

Joe: So, I can just leave the stage like it never happened?

Clarence: Like it never happened because it never did happen.

Joe: Cool. I’m going to go get a drink. Barkeep, I would like a frosty beverage. And perhaps a mulled wine for my angel friend.

Bartender: I can’t. I’m no longer a bartender. You never did your piece. Don Hall told everyone what a piece of shit George Bailey was and that was it. Itconvinced me there was no hope and that I will die never knowing what love is. I’m a spinster, now…and a librarian.  

Joe: But, you’re right here behind the bar and Don only did his piece a few minutes ago.

Bartender: It’s not my fault your premise is flawed. Now, unless you have a book toreturn or to check out, please move along. 

Joe: But…

Bartender: Move along!

Joe: This can’t be happening. Don! Don! Tell me this isn’t happening.

Don: Who are you?

Joe: It’s Joe. Joe Janes, your friend from Chicago. I came to Las Vegas to do Bughouse. You don’t remember me?

Don: I remember you. I’m shunning you. My friend Joe from Chicago never did Bughouse.

Clarence: See, you prayed that you never did Bughouse and so-

Joe: We get it, Clarence! We get it. 

Don: I was very excited to have you on the show. You’re the most brilliant writer I know. Ruggedly handsome, yet sophisticated, like Captain Picard and George Clooney had a threesome with cyborg Cary Grant who carried you to term like a pregnant male seahorse. More importantly, you were and had always been my friend. Remember that time I wanted to move because everyone in town thought I was a floozie? You gave me $2,000 and wished me luck. Had it not been for you, I would have become a dime-a-dance guy. I still charge ten cents a dance. Two dollars for hand jobs. But I do it because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to. Not doing your piece at Bughouse was like someone dug a hole in my heart with a spork and pooped in it. Pooped filled with thumbtacks, ghost peppers, and old man diapers. I was so distraught from you bailing on the show that I got a migraine. I went home and instead of taking aspirin, I accidentally took poison. 

Joe: How did you accidentally take poison?

Don: I keep it right next to the medicine like everyone does.

Joe: Nobody does that!

Don: Well, I do and now I’m dead. Thanks.

Joe: Clarence! Clarence! Change it all back. Please, change it all back. I want to be able to buy beer at Bunkhouse. I want Don to be not dead. I can be okay with people putting shredded coconut on ice-cream. Maybe. I’ll do my piece at Bughouse. Change it all back.

Clarence: Okay, Joe. It’s all changed back.

Joe: Really! Just like that?

Clarence: Just like that.

Joe: That’s great! Hello, Bunkhouse! Hello, ol’ bar. Hello, bartender! Hello, live Don Hall! I’ll tell you why George Bailey is a good person! He always, ALWAYS, put other people before himself. His family, his friends, the people of Bedford Falls. George Bailey was the least selfish person and he devoted his life to helping people live their dreams. George Bailey had friends. Lots of them. He cared about people and they cared right back because “No man who has friends is a failure.”

(Clarence rings a bell)

Joe: Clarence, did you get your wings?

Clarence: No, I’m still waiting for them. I ordered them 20 god damn minutes ago. They stopped serving food when you turned the bar into a library. I’d like my jumbo wings, now, please!

Joe: Merry Christmas, everyone! Merry Christmas!

Clarence: (Rings bell repeatedly) Give me my mother fucking wings, Bunkhouse!

Joe: And scene.