Hope Idiotic | Part 35
Hope Idiotic is a serialized novel. Catch each new part every week on Monday and Thursday.
BACK IN CHICAGO, PEOPLE OFFERED LOU THEIR SYMPATHIES. The typical, “I’m sorry,” and “Let me know if you need anything.” He heard a lot of “Are you okay?” Most of those people never knew Chuck, but when you hear that someone dies, the polite thing to do is express condolences and make empty offerings of assistance. Not that you shouldn’t be graciously appreciative of their efforts.
Making jokes about Chuck dying had become Lou’s reflex to any question about it. How are you doing? “I’m fine. You know, the sonofabitch owed me two grand, so if he hadn’t died on his own, I’d have killed him myself.” How did he die? “With his hands at two and ten.” No one ever laughed when he said these things—no one other than me.
Benjamin and Grams seemed the most genuinely upset by the news. Perhaps it was residue from Pop’s passing that heightened their grief. Maybe it was the thought of a son and grandson’s peer dropping dead that they found jarring—younger generations shouldn’t die before the older ones and all that. Or maybe it was that only they knew how much Chuck meant to Lou.
Michelle was supportive, even a little loving. At an expensive sushi dinner downtown a few nights after Lou got back, she was in rare form.
“I had a long talk with my parents while you were gone,” she said. “I talked to them about us.”
“Yeah?”
She reached across the table, took his hand and squeezed it. “They said that we need to make a choice.”
“A choice about what?”
“Us. We’ve been so up and down lately, and I know we’re both so tired of that, but that’s what love is; it’s a lot of ups and downs. And not everything is going to be perfect all of the time.”
“I know.”
“And my parents said that the only way to get through the downs and enjoy the ups is to make the choice to be together. We just have to love each other for who we are. And I choose you.” She smiled at him and did this thing with her eyes that she would do when she wanted to flirt. It was like she was smiling from within. It wasn’t much different than the look she made when she wanted to screw. Lou loved that look. It made his heart melt. It used to, anyway.
Lou pulled his hand away and adjusted his chopsticks and soy sauce dish in no particular fashion. “Michelle, I’ve been saying that for…since we…since before I moved here. I said that a long time ago. I’ve been saying that all along.”
“I know. But hearing my parents say it…”
“And you choose me? Now? You’re making the decision to choose me now? We’ve been together for almost three years and now you decide to choose me because, what, because your parents told you to?”
“No. Not at all. It’s just that I’m finally seeing it. So much has happened the last few weeks, and it has put things in perspective for me.”
Lou laughed a little and took a drink of his Asahi beer. “So much has happened the last few years.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Nothing. Forget it. I’m glad you choose me. Let’s order. Dragon roll?”
They had sex when they got back to the condo. Lou screwed her like she was a stranger. He wasn’t sure if she noticed, and he didn’t care.
✶
HIS DAYS HAD BECOME A STEADY ROUTINE of working at the sheet-metal shop, driving back into the city for show rehearsals and going to Michelle’s to pretend he was interested in having sex with her. Routine was exactly the thing Lou had been after, but this particular routine was hard to manage without the aid of cigarettes and alcohol. Without them, he found himself prone to bursts of extreme sadness, gripping fear and absolute alienation—loneliness in its purest form; depression at its deepest. Slowly killing himself was the life raft that kept him from killing himself. Working on the show helped, too. Writing jokes and spoofing Christmas songs was a great way to otherwise occupy the mind. But all of that was done mostly while drunk.
The only moments he wasn’t wracked with nervousness were during rehearsals with Mark. Some nights, he convinced Mark to join him after rehearsals for a few drinks. These nights were long, and instead of showing up at Michelle’s wasted, Lou thought it a better idea to drive the thirty miles south to his dad’s house, where he could pass out on the couch in peace.
“I know we don’t technically live together anymore,” Michelle said to him one of the nights he happened to stay over, “but you can stay here more often, if you like. I think we can begin moving toward living together again.”
“It’s just that some nights are so late, you know. Mark and I have to meet afterward and discuss notes.”
“This is what I didn’t want happening,” she said getting quickly annoyed. “I didn’t want you getting totally sucked into the show to the point that you don’t have any time to rebuild this relationship.”
The fact was, he didn’t intend to rebuild the relationship. The relationship was in ruins. And some ruins are best left preserved in destruction. Besides, he didn’t have the energy to bother fighting with her or the energy to walk away from her. “I’m not totally sucked in. There’s no rehearsal tomorrow night, so I’ll come over straight away. It’ll be L ’n’ M.O.P. time.” He barely spit out the phrase without gagging.