By Joe Janes

 

Chicago O’Hare International Airport

TSA Holding Room

8:47am  December 4, 2019

Attendance: TSA Agent Roger, Freddy Hutchinson,

Nick the Alligator

TSA – Sir, we had to pull you aside because we have concerns about your ESA.

Freddy – What’s an ESA?

TSA – Emotional Support Animal. Which is what you claim this is.

Freddy – Please don’t talk like he can’t hear. He’s very sensitive.

TSA – My apologies. I just need proof that this is a—um, you are, Mr. Alligator—a service animal, and that you,  Mr. Hutchinson, are disabled and need such an animal.

Freddy – Nick is new. This is his first flight, right, Nick? He’s a replacement ESA, or whatever you call them. 

TSA – So, you have flown with alligators before on passenger airplanes.

Freddy – Oh, no. Nick’s my first gator. My last emotional support creature was a shark.

TSA – A man-eating shark?

Freddy – That’s racist. Are you trying to profile my shark who is not even here to defend himself?

TSA – No, Sir. Just trying to be clear. You travelled on passenger airplanes with a shark. 

Freddy – Yes. Just once. Unfortunately, he died. Sharks can live out of water for about an hour. I didn’t allow for time going through security. I kept asking the stewardess for water and he would only bring me a small cup at a time. And the cups had too much ice in them, too. I filed a lawsuit. My lawyers are working out a settlement with United Airlines. 

TSA – What exactly is your disability?

Freddy – I am afraid of flying. But when I have an alligator or shark at my feet on in my lap, I ain’t afraid of nothing. 

TSA – I see. Most people tend to choose smaller, well, fuzzier animals for comfort when they travel.

Freddy – Nick may not be fuzzy, but look at those eyes. They are full of love and support.

TSA – Yes, I can see that. I have concerns that Nick, as full of love and support as he is for you, might, well, eat another person on the plane. 

Freddy – You’re doing that profiling thing, again. You think alligators are X, so, of course, they’re going to do X. That’s just not fair. 

TSA – Has Nick eaten?

Freddy – That’s something that most closed-minded people don’t know about alligators. They only gnosh once a week. He ate a big ol’ turkey on Thanksgiving. He’s good. They store food in their tails.

TSA – Like a camel stores fat.

Freddy – More like an alligator stores sandwiches. He loves PB&Js. Don’t you, Nick. Look at that smile. Point is, he’s not going to eat anyone. He’ll only bite someone if he thinks they’re bothering me. 

TSA – Has he ever bitten someone who he thought was bothering you, but turns out they were only just, I don’t know, handing you a drink or asking you to buckle your seatbelt?

Freddy – Nick has learned from his mistakes. He’s ready for this. And I’ll be there for him.

TSA – What’s the purpose of your trip? 

Freddy – Taking Nick to visit his family down in Florida. The trip’s not really for me. I guess you could say I am his ESH. 

TSA – Okay, Mr. Hutchinson. Nick has been, I mean, Nick, you have been quite amicable in this meeting. If this is how you will be on the flight, I see no reason to keep you from boarding. 

Freddy – Thank you so much. This means a lot to me and my friend. 

(Freddy and the TSA Agent awkwardly shake hands.)

TSA – Oh. Sorry. I didn’t notice. 

Freddy – Nick likes to snack on fingers, too.