By Joe Janes

National Emergency Task Force

The Oval Office, The White House, 2/20/19 11:30am 

In Attendance: President Donald J. Trump, Presidential Advisor Kellyanne Conway, Acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, Vice-President Mike Pence, Senior Advisor Jared Kushner, Assistant to the President Ivanka Trump, Acting FEMA Director Peter Gaynor

Minutes recorded secretly by every staff member in the room

Trump – Good morning, everyone. Ivanka, you look lovely, today. Very professional. Looking sharp. If I weren’t married…. Well, that doesn’t matter. Kellyanne, you look great, too. I can’t believe you are not wearing shoes and that I don’t have a problem with that. Can you imagine what the press would say if I went barefoot in the Oval Office. “Oh, he’s disrespecting the office.” Wish I could go barefoot, but it takes me so long to put on and take off my shoes. So, let’s go over nicknames...

Mick – Sir, we’re here to discuss the national emergency you signed and put into action.

Trump – We’re being SUED and then we’ll be SUED again until it goes to the supreme COURT and we win when Kavanaugh’s vote butt CHUGS it in people’s faces. Where we at on that?

Peter – There are officially 18 lawsuits that have been filed against the Trump Administration. 16 states plus one environmental group and some lawyers representing border land owners. 

Trump – Sixteen states. That’s almost half of America.

Peter – Yes. It’s almost half. 

Trump - What do you think of Crazy Bernie? Should I keep that? Add to it, like Crazy Old Bernie or Crazy Uncle Bernie? 

Kellyanne - Ooh, I like that. 

Trump - Crazy Uncle Bernie. That’s a keeper. 

Kellyanne – That’s a keeper!

Mick – So, you’ve declared a national emergency—

Trump – Has everyone had an omelet? I put an omelet station in the Oval Office 24/7, because President, hello! I’m going to get an omelet. Keep talking. I’m listening.

Mick – Well, it’s a national emergency. So, we need to determine what actions we’ll take. For people to understand it’s an emergency, we need to act like—

Trump – Ketchup. Just ketchup. No cheese. I’m watching my weight. Doctor’s orders. Anyone else want a ketchup omelet?

Kellyanne – I do!

Trump – No?... And a Diet Coke. Just pour it right in with the eggs.

Peter – In cases like hurricanes or wildfires, we deploy troops and FEMA trucks to help out people in danger or who have been displaced.

Ivanka – Well, we already built housing for illegal immigrants. By doing that, we’re keeping Americans safe. My company made a uniform we can have the children wear. The China factory should be sending them soon. A lovely beige. Non-gendered. One size fits all. 

Jared - They’re essentially bags.

Ivanka – Very expensive bags. 

Jared – Made for pennies. 

Ivanka – I love capitalism. 

Trump – Let’s see what we can agree on, here. Pocahontas is gold. I can’t ever not call Liz Warren Pocahontas. Kamala Harris. She claims to be of black heritage, but I don’t see it. Maybe I should call her Harriet Tubman.

Kellyanne – Good one, Sir. 

Trump – And if people complain about it being racist or whatever, I’ll change it to Krazy Kamala. With a “K”. So, people don’t think I’m talking about Bernie. Wait. I was going to do that with Klobuchar. Krazy Klobuchar. It works with so many democrats. Crazy Cory. Crazy Joe Biden. I’ll just stick with “Crazy”. I’m not even going to bother with the candidates no one knows about. Why bother? I’ll save my patented wit for the big small fish. 

Kellyanne – Those are brilliant, Sir. 

Trump - Okay. I think this has been a productive meeting. Thank you all for coming. 

Peter – We haven’t decided anything.

Trump – You haven’t. I have. It’s all up here. I’ll announce what we will do soon. I have some TV to watch and a golf simulator to whack a stick at. I’ll tweet something in the next few days. This is just the calm before the storm. 

Peter – The calm post-declaring a national emergency?

Trump – Who are you, again?