By Elizabeth Harper

You date like you're running a hedge fund, always keeping some women on the side just in case your current main squeeze doesn't work out, is busy or out of town, or pisses you off. You sweet talk everyone, never miss a chance to charm a stranger, flirt with a bartender or grocery store cashier. I have to admire your investment strategy. You don't just keep one on the back burner. You have a mammoth, industrial-sized kitchen filled with stoves, pots bubbling over on each one. I'm glad I'm not the only one in your diversified portfolio. As an investment I'm a very slow and steady grower, though I do have some down days—good dividend yield, though, to get you through both good times and bad, depression, recession, and inflation. I don't mind you having other women. Hell, it's just smart to be diversified. You don't want to miss opportunities. And it takes some of the pressure off of me. I can't do and be everything. But I will be your defensive holding, your consumer staple, when all the others turn away, let you down. Those short squeezes are a bitch, though, making you pay a higher price for something you borrowed because you thought it would go down.