By Joe Janes

Presidential Committee on Climate Security

Chair Interview

The White House, The Exxon Meeting Room

Wednesday, February 27, 2019, 9:30am

Attendance: Phil the underpaid White House aide, William Happer

Notes taken by Tonya the other underpaid White House aide

 

Phil – Thank you for meeting with me today, Mr. Happer. With most of our staff in Korea, and climate security being an urgent matter, the president asked that I conduct the interviews. 

Happer – You look like a smart, young man. I have no problem with that.

Phil – Would you like a cup of warm crude oil? It’s the only thing we’re allowed to drink in here. 

Happer – Sure. I take mine with a little fracking water, if you please. 

Phil – That’s the way I like mine. Here are some safety goggles and an asbestos bib. 

Happer – I have my own. Thank you.

Phil – Well, I guess you know why you’re here. The president is very impressed by your resume.

Happer – President Trump looked at my resume?

Phil – Yes, he liked the font. And then I read it to him. I may have also changed the name of some of the things you wrote to keep his attention. For example, your article “Spin Exchange Optical Pumping of Noble Gas Nuclei” became “Spin Exchange Optical Pumping of Donald Trump”. 

Happer – I’m glad the president understands about the layer of sodium in the mesosphere.

Phil – He liked the phrase “Optical Pumping” and assumed it had to do with how good looking he is. Or pornography. Both got his attention and approval.

Happer – I’m willing to revise the paper, should you ever need to read it to him.

Phil – Glad to hear you’re a team player. Now, the Presidential Committee on Climate Security is going to be very important. It’s designed to put to bed this whole out-of-control leftist conspiracy called climate change. 

Happer – I am well suited for this, Phil. CO2 is being made out to be the bad guy on this planet. The demonization of carbon dioxide is just like the demonization of the poor Jews under Hitler. Carbon dioxide is actually a benefit to the world, and so were the Jews.

Phil – I think the Jews are still around, Mr. Happer.

Happer – Maybe in name. 

Phil – We have a few other candidates that we are looking at. Is there anything else you can tell me about yourself that will help us make an informed decision?

Happer – Well, many things. I think Hilary Clinton should be in jail. Mexicans should stay in Mexico. By Mexico, I mean everything south of Texas. Obama was the worst thing that ever happened to this country. I believe President Trump was chosen by God to lead this nation and the world. Children should not be vaccinated. White people are superior to all other races and we should not dilute the gene pool. There’s a child sex ring being run by democrats under a pizza parlor. The biggest threat to this nation’s security is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, ahem, a Mexican. Men know best how women should manage their health. Democrats kill babies, mob execution style. And the earth is flat. 

Phil – That is awesome, Mr. Happer. I think the flat earth thing is the only one that possibly has anything to do with the climate, though. 

Happer – The weather is controlled by God and he punishes us with hurricanes, earthquakes, and wildfires because of gay marriage.

 Phil – You really think the world is flat?

Happer – We are just one big tiddly-wink floating in the solar system. If we should ever collide with the moon, it could flip us into Mars. 

Phil – Are all the moons and planets flat?

Happer – Sure looks like it to me when I look through a telescope. A bunch of decorative plates staring back at me. 

Phil – You got your doctorate degree at Princeton, have taught there, and now are professor emeritus. Is that right? 

Happer – I believe in financial karma. Give a university enough money, and they’ll give money back to you. Same goes for politics and fossil fuels. 

Phil – I’ll drink to that.

(They clink mugs. A small fire erupts. Tonya quickly puts it out with a bucket of sand kept near the table.)