By Joe Janes

 

Harvard Alumni Relations Board Emergency Meeting

Wednesday, March 13, 2019 9:15am 

The meeting room in the big building with all the offices instead of class rooms near the elevator. Follow the signs with the arrows on them.

Attendance: Tiffany, Jared, Lisa, Brian, Tess

Tiffany – Guys. Guys! We have a problem. People now think that people who went to Harvard didn’t deserve to be here and only got in because our parents gave the school lots of money and bribed people.

Jared – A few bad apples, am I right? I got in because I appeared to work hard and was a high school athlete. 

Lisa – What sport did you play?

Jared – I was the coxswain on the rowing team. 

Lisa – You went to high school in Las Vegas. They have rowing teams in the desert?

Jared – If Jamaica can have a bob sled team, LVHS can have a rowing team. Go Wild Cats!

Brian – I don’t remember you on the Harvard rowing team.

Jared – I wasn’t on it. Too busy working on my grades.

Lisa – You were a “C” student.

Jared – With an asterisk. 

Tess – What does the asterisk mean?

Jared – I’m not sure, but it cost a few million extra. I think it means “tried really hard.”

Tiffany – Which brings me back to my original question. How are we going to get alums to support us if they think there are other students whose parents simply paid their way through?

Brian – Well, look, I don’t think we need to defend ourselves. We’re Harvard. If you don’t have money, why are you even here? This isn’t community college. 

Lisa – The people who did get in on a “pay to play” scheme are also the children of celebrities and CEOs. That just gives us bragging rights that people are willing to break the law to get their kids into our school. 

Tess – It’s a compliment, really.

Tiffany – I guess we really don’t know how many students we’re talking about, do we?

(Everyone looks around at one another uncomfortably.)

Jared – We all belonged here. I’m sure it’s just a handful. 

Brian – Even if someone did cheat to get into school, they still had to go to class and pay someone do the work. That takes resources. Moxie!

Lisa – We should have a big alumni gala and recognize these students and their parents as champions. Maybe it will attract other rich parents willing to give our institution millions of dollars for a degree. 

Tiffany – If we do that, aren’t we just encouraging a population of dumb rich people? 

Jared – There are many uneducated poor people in this country. We need to make sure there’s balance. 

Tess – What are the career possibilities for someone who is rich and uneducated?

(They all laugh.)

Tiffany – Tess, you work for your dad’s financial firm. What’s your title?

Tess – Vice-President Consultant in Charge of Developmental Advances. It’s a real job. I do stuff. 

Tiffany – Didn’t you also start at that position right out of college?

Tess – Of course. Daddy says I are smart. I’m not going to answer phones or make copies or stuff entry level people do. Someone has to hand me pencils when I want to put them in my hair and it’s not going to be me.  

Brian – Rich, dumb people are our future. They will take over all their parents’ companies. When they get bored with that…

Jared – There’s always politics.