By Chris Churchill

Listen.

EVERYONE can’t be out of ducks.

What happened to all the ducks?

I mean, apparently, we live in a society where, up until recently, everyone owned a lot of ducks. In fact, there were many among us who had so many ducks that we could afford to give ducks away. Oddly, we tended to give ducks to the foolishly foolish people who bothered us or even angered us. It seemed to be an even trade somehow. 

“You kissed me off,” (which is what we used to say), “and now I give you one duck. Enjoy the added responsibility of raising this bird!”

That’ll teach them. It turns out, having ducks is a great responsibility. Ducks require a lot of energy and care to remain strong and healthy. Ducks can be a great thing to have a lot of. In fact, some ducks you can never lose. If you are there when a duck is hatched, that duck will follow you until you die. That’s your duck now, and nobody else’s.

That was stuff I’d heard about ducks. But here is the actual, completely fabricated, science on ducks: Scientists have discovered that those who act foolishly, when given the responsibility of having their own duck, or in some cases, multiple ducks, become less foolish. Mostly because they now have their own ducks to care for. 

But see, then, we started to catch on. Sometimes, people kissed you off just so that they could receive a duck to raise. Because ducks are cool. Ducks are funny. I truly believe everyone should have many ducks and all ducks should be shared. However, why should we give them, the foolish, all of our quality ducks when they’re behaving so badly? Why are we rewarding their bad behavior. No ducks should be given as a reward for foolishness. 

So, recently, we started refusing to give these ducks away. 

“I don’t give a duck.” You might hear someone say. 

Or:

“I am out of ducks! I have no more ducks to give!”

In the first quote, they really meant that they weren’t going to give this particular foolish person their ducks. In the second quote, come on , they really did HAVE at least one duck. 

I mean, how foolish of us to not have at least two ducks (one male, one female) to create a whole flock of new ducks. So maybe, what we should say is, “I only have two ducks left and I need them for the maintenance of my own flock of ducks. You understand.” (Sure, with only two ducks, you get inbred ducks, but if that’s the best you can do…)

But then what happens when we have no more spare ducks to teach the foolish about love and responsibility? 

Then we have a whole civilization of the duckless and foolish. And that’s a dangerous combo. 
So my point is, if you wake up one morning and you find that you’re low on ducks, you should get more. Ask a friend if they have any extra ducks. Call a duck hotline. Or save up and buy a breeding pair of ducks. If you don’t maintain your own flock of ducks then you become the problem. You become exactly the type of person that made you give all your ducks away in the first place. Others will proclaim that you , “ain’t work a duck.” Then you yourself become the foolish one (for not having planned out your duckflow) but there will be no more ducks at all anywhere for anyone to give you about it. Then how will we ever learn? 

Please feel free to read this message aloud to children.