by Joe Janes

The Barr Investigation into the Investigation of the Trump Campaign Investigation

The Office of the Attorney General

Wednesday, March 10, 2019 9:30am

In Attendance: Barr and staff who wished not to be named

but are okay being referred to as “Gary”

Recorded on Gary’s iPhone

Barr – The president has charged me with investigating the FBI to reveal the political motivations behind their investigating the 2016 Trump presidential campaign. 

Gary 1 – Don’t you mean “discover” if there were any political motivations?

Barr – The whole thing was tainted with anti-Trump bias from the start. According to the president who gave me this job. 

Gary 2 – Well, I mean, I guess you could make a case for that since a democrat was in office when the investigation started.

Barr – And they did tap Trump’s phone lines.

Gary 1 – That’s just something Trump said in a tweet. There hasn’t been any evidence to support that.

Barr – Just because Comey said there wasn’t doesn’t mean there wasn’t. They’re the FBI. They’re job is to be sneaky liberal loving liars.

Gary 2 – Comey’s a republican.

Barr – A perfect cover! If I wanted to subversively destroy the republican front runner, I would totally go undercover as a republican.

Gary 1 – Comey was a republican way before Trump even ran for president. 

Barr – Which makes him a very smart man. A very smart man, indeed.

Gary 2 – Comey threw Hilary Clinton under the bus by saying she was being investigated a week before the elections.

Barr – A decision he says he deeply regrets. Look, if I’m a republican who is secretly a democrat, I have to do republican things to keep my cover. 

Gary 1 – But, the president is claiming that the FBI investigation was designed to try to bring him down. If it was working, then why thwart Hilary’s chances?

Barr – Hubris! Pure hubris! He thought she had it in the bag and couldn’t be damaged by his announcement. Brilliant, really. We just have to prove it with our investigation. Our job is to find out who initiated it. Was it Obama? Was it Hilary? Did Comey go rogue?

Gary 2 – Just to be clear, we’re not denying all the very clear evidence in the Mueller report regarding collusion?

Barr – No collusion! 

Gary 2 – I read the report.

Barr – Read the redacted version. No collusion!

Gary 1 – I think what Gary is saying, is it’s not about the fact that they were right, we’re questioning why they wanted to investigate in the first place, correct?

Barr – If they started the investigation because of dirty, swampy Washington politics, then they are going to pay.

Gary 2 – Pay what? How?

Barr – We’ll finally throw Hilary in jail for real!

Gary 1 – On what charge?

Barr – Insincere investigation.

Gary 2 – I don’t think that’s against the law. 

Barr – Yet!