By Don Hall

Today millions celebrate the resurrection of a carpenter/activist from over 2,000 years ago dying and then three days later rising from the dead. The whole concept of coming back to life shouldn’t have been that big of a deal given that Jesus had already brought back Lazarus. My difficulty with the whole tale isn’t accuracy (because with multiple authors over the course of fifty years writing down his story from memory in an increasingly polarized religious time is almost guaranteed to have a Sarah Huckabee-like zone on truth, right?) but the lack of specific details involving the resurrection. I mean, the stone was rolled away and he was just on the road? Did he smell funny? Was his walk a bit stiff from the rigor? After being whipped and tortured and ultimately crucified, didn’t he look kind of horror-show?

In celebration of the actual stuff of legend (as opposed to bunnies and colored eggs, which I’m almost 87 percent certain were not present at either the crucifixion or the rising up moment) here are five movies featuring the resurrection of people with a bit more in the specifics department.

Young Frankenstein (1974)

Part of me believes that there is a Mel Brooks movie for every holiday and his spoof of Mary Shelley’s tale of a mad scientist stitching together body parts and electrifying them to create a living creature from the dead tissue is not only goofy fun but also plays with the idea that even when resurrected, if you have the brain of Abby Normal, you’re going to be terrified of flame, barely verbal, and have a giant cock. I’m unsure if there are details in the Bible about Mary Magdalene singing after sex or Jesus dancing soft-shoe but I think that would definitely spice up the holiday.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)

Leonard Nimoy was Jewish. The “Live Long and Prosper” hand sign comes from Jewish tradition. Spock was logical, empathetic and while he couldn’t change water into wine, he could do the neck pinch thing and transfer his living consciousness into the brain of DeForrest Kelly. Imagine the Romans looked like Klingons and Shatner as Paul and who needs a deity? A Vulcan will do just fine.

Batman Returns (1992)

Versions of Catwoman have come and gone but Michelle Pfeiffer in latex, licking herself is how all resurrected figures should behave. Complete the picture with The Penguin as Pontius Pilate and your desire to dye eggs is gone.

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

What happens if all the crucified come back to life and people could only see in black and white? This George Romero classic answers these questions and more. As much as the fun of someone coming back from the dead fully functioning in rays of light may sound, we all pretty much know that those revitalized pigs in China are nothing more than zombie-swine. That bacon is gonna eat you, Mary.

Starman (1984)

If Jesus were coming back, I’d want him to be Jeff Bridges. I mean, who wouldn’t?

Have a Happy Easter and, if you don’t celebrate Easter, watch these movies anyway.