By Joe Janes

 

Effingham County Board Meeting, Effingham, Illinois

April 24, 2020       7:20pm     County Board Meeting Room

In Attendance: Lloyd, Rob, Heather, David, Jim, John, Doug, Joe, Jeff

(What is a Second Amendment Sanctuary County?)

(Lloyd fires his gun into the ceiling.)

Lloyd – The minutes from our last meeting have been approved. Let’s move on to today’s agenda items. 

(Rob fires his gun into the ceiling.)

Lloyd – The chair recognizes Rob.

Rob – Yeah. Just want to know what’s going on with people not picking up after their dogs on the courthouse lawn. 

Lloyd – I’m glad you brought that up. Heather has a report.

Heather – Well, as you know, we became a sanctuary county for the second amendment when all these gun control laws started going into effect. We believe in upholding our constitutional rights even when a tyrannical government does not. 

Rob – Better get to the point, Heather. My trigger finger is getting itchy. 

Heather –Estelle Finglehut is suing Effingham County because she believes punishing her for her dog’s business is a violation of her constitutional rights. 

Rob – There ain’t nothing in the constitution about dogs. Only bears!

Lloyd – She believes fining her $100 for her dog dropping a deuce suppresses her freedom of speech.

Rob – She’s not the one pinching a loaf on the lawn. Her dog is. 

Heather – Which she owns and which her lawyers argue is an expression of who she is, whether or not it is pooping or peeing or licking itself. We have to wait and see how this plays out.

Rob – Dog owners are crazy.

(David fires one of his guns into the ceiling.)

David – Let’s talk about us being a Second Amendment Sanctuary County. Now, you all know how much I love my guns. My whole family loves their guns. Especially the toddlers. 

(pause)

Lloyd – Is there an issue or question that you have, David?

David – Nope. That’s all I wanted to say.

(Jim fires his gun into the ceiling.)

Jim – I’ll tell you something, I feel safer knowing that everyone in this room is packing heat and any time I go to the grocery store or to the diner, I know everyone in there has my back. My only concern are strangers.

Lloyd – What do you mean, Jim?

Jim – Well, the high school cheerleaders was having their annual Flowers and Firearms Sale to raise funds for the Marksmanship Team, and, well, some strangers came up and bought some guns. Didn’t even buy any flowers.

Lloyd – Well, that is their God-given constitutional right in this county. 

Jim – Sure, sure, but I don’t think you understand what I am saying. These strangers were, shall we say, tanned. They were also wearing baggy pants. I could see their underwear. The car they were in had fancy hub caps that spun. The “music” they were blaring said words that I don’t want to repeat on public record. Let’s just say it had to do with the questionable morals of women and eliminating police officers. They also used the “n” word, you know, the one I’m not allowed to say for some reason. It was also very danceable.

Lloyd – Did you at all feel threatened by their music or underwear, Jim?

Jim – I felt our whole way of life was threatened, Lloyd, especially those young, nubile cheerleaders they were talking to. 

Lloyd – Remember, if you feel threatened, you can “Stand Your Ground”. That’s a part of us being free from constricting gun controls laws. If someone is putting you in danger, you have the right to defend yourself.

Jim – Oh, good. I wasn’t sure. Their bodies are in the back of my truck.

Lloyd – Drop them off at the morgue after the meeting. Just put them in the drop off box. I will sleep better tonight knowing there are brave men like you protecting our county. One last agenda item. We need to vote on whether or not to fund another replacement of our ceiling. All those in favor say “Yee-Haw”.

All – Yee-Haw!

(They all fire their guns into the ceiling.)